You know, there was a time, before fat psychopaths ran starving Asian countries, and toupees ran for office against Larry David’s stunt double and that crazy bitch from the Little Mermaid, when a man could take a moment to bask in the crazy glow of his pastel unitard, wonder aloud who invented the reciprocating saw dildo, talk mad shit to ducks, but he’d still have to keep one eye peeled for the man in the white van. Still, all you really had to worry about was naked chaffing from running escape routes through the streets. Maybe a few scrapes and cuts from trying to surmount chain link fences and hurl feces with both hands at pursuing men with pneumatic net cannons. Or women. Let’s not be politically incorrect.
Now, it’s all gone to hell. You can’t even get your freak-out on, without having to worry about being drafted by the douchenozzles in D.C. One minute you’re in a nice restaurant, your sausage and meatballs pretending to be Pee Wee Herman’s penis in an impromptu puppet show, when halfway through your bratwurst’s rendition of Tie My Pecker to a Tree, you find yourself President of the United States. I don’t need that kind of pressure. I don’t even know what the proper etiquette for inserting a cigar into an aide’s vagina is, much less how to bone someone while playing saxophone naked. I mean, I guess I could wing it, but there are going to be bruises. Possibly launch codes. I have no desire to bend over and ride the high hard one of political pork. I have too much other shit to do, like mounting rubber dongs to an oscillating fan and using it as a piñata bat.
As usual, I’ve procrastinated for 5+ months, and I’ve put in little to no effort compiling this. Why did it take me so long? Because fuck you, that’s why. I’ve got things to do. And stuff. Serious shit on my plate, man. I mean, these fruit rollups aren’t going to turn themselves into banana hammocks, now are they?
Names are left in where funny, because reasons. Own it, bitches. Most of you are also dancing on the edge of involuntary medication. I’d like to thank the usual assortment of batshit crazy individuals. You know who you are. For all of your contributions last year, I considerately didn’t shit in your sombreros. Or did I? I mean, you only wear it to bar/bat mitzvahs and clown weddings anyway, so how would you know?
Time to get your helmet on, like donkey thongs.
January 2, 2015
I was driving home, and I noticed something standing on the side of the road. I backed up, pulled over and rolled the window down. It was a duck. Just standing there, looking at me. I stared at it, it stared back. I finally rolled up the window and drove off.
January 4, 2015
I would love to know how some people can look directly at you, nearly walk right into you, and then muddle and wander around in front of you, getting in the way, like they're taking directions from their dick. And their dick has a drinking problem. I swear, half the people I run into on a daily basis are too busy playing ass tag with their own head to notice what's going on around them.
***
He’s going places.
http://cuteanimals.me/-img/52cde3b11605fb1e24000080.jpg?w=450&h=705
January 6, 2015
I got a special offer from Windstream in my inbox. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHa *sob* LOlollolOLOLOL. Ah, sweet baby Jeebus, that was rich. Why not just sent me a super discount to stick my dick in a blender? Same difference.
January 11, 2015
Hey, Texhoma made national weird news. "Say it, say HUUUUUUMP DAY one more time, motherf*cker, I dare you."
http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/camel-responsible-for-2-local-deaths-ep-869157603-332374612.html
January 17, 2015
I've had a couple of days to think about it, and I still don't understand the mechanics. I went to the store, parked in a nearly empty lot, not even in front. When I came out with all my stuff, someone had parked their land whale right next to my car, making it hard to get into. Why would you do some shit like this? Is it a conscious move, where you mentally catalog and act on any opportunity to be a huge dick holster? Or are you some sort of douche savant, acting on any chance to be an asshole, almost without thinking? Maybe you're just lonely on a basic, feral level, and you're not actively trying to be a huge, bipedal ween, it's just a misunderstood manifestation of your desire to be close to the only other car in the area? Whatever the case, Capt. Assbag, have a huge fuck you, on the house. And be glad I don't carry a ball peen hammer around anymore, for just such occasions.
***
New invention idea: Fickles. A jar of pickles with a lid that randomly time locks itself for varying periods of time. Want a pickle? You may or may not be shit out of luck.
January 20, 2015
If I win the lottery, part of my winnings will be devoted to the development of prosthetic animal butt cheeks. The world will finally know the joy and amusement of all God's creatures, both wild and domestic, conspicuously ripping ass.
January 21, 2015
Regarding Taylor Swift: She's what happens when you brainwash the devil into thinking he's a twenty-something pop tart with a penchant for Kennedy men and an ass like an anorexic stork.
***
I know that adult undergarments are a necessary product for many people. I know that they deserve dignity, and this condition in not something you'd choose voluntarily. Unless you're some sort of fucking weirdo fetishist on the darknet, trolling for soiled underpants you can buy with your ill gotten bitcoins. But I digress. I realize these things, and yet, #underwareness is just incredibly tacky and fucking stupid. Nobody is going to put on a fucking diaper and parade around on social media and in the streets to show their support for people who have problems with bladder leakage. I'm pretty sure people with bladder leakage don't want a coming out party and a fucking parade in the streets. This is not a product you're going to make hip and cool to the under 40 crowd. It's a necessary product that fills a discrete niche, not a goddamned block party pinata filler. And I don't want to see the commercial and hashtag every 10 minutes I'm watching TV. It's asinine. Completely batshit crazy ludicrous. I can't believe anybody bought this stupid ass pitch for a marketing campaign. It boggles the Gordian knot of my already twisted and sorely taxed mind. But, fuck it, you can read the tale for yourself:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/28/business/aiming-to-reduce-a-stigma-depends-new-pitch-is-drop-your-pants.html?_r=1
January 23, 2015
Whenever life sucks, just remember, at least you're not the towel valet at an elderly nudist resort.
January 25, 2015
(I thought this one was particularly relevant, given today’s completely unrelated “mind your own fucking business” reference. But I digress. Back to your regularly scheduled trip down memory lane.)
So, I didn't win the Powerball again. It's up to $289 million. I could do some serious shit with that kind of money. Like start a public nature preserve/ostrich farm, and all the birds would have red lipstick. When people ask me why, I'll whip off my sunglasses and say, "Because mind your own fucking business, that's why." Then give them the finger while I fly off across the field in my jetpack.
January 30, 2015
Apparently, The View's flagging ratings and contracts, along with divisive alpha personalities on the show, have left its future uncertain, and this was a main news story today.
I can honestly say, if I was given the choice of being stranded on a deserted island with the hosts from The View, or sticking my dick in a blender, the only real dilemma would be what outlet to use and what setting button to push.
***
I think I broke the Internet. I tried googling for ostriches wearing lipstick, and I found nothing. That shouldn't even be possible. I'm going to have to speak with Reddit and Rule34 about this oversight.
(I’m not going to bother inserting the whole picture and text conversation with Tara DeLorme that ensued. It was moderately insane, and it involved several different variations of Taylor Swift as an ostrich, whether ostriches sing country music or not, based on the lock kangaroos have on show tunes and the musical influences during the formative years of a young ostrich’s life, Dan Rather in assless chaps, the Village People and flash photography, and whether or not he’s just a secret merman, because all the pictures of him were from the waist up.)
February 1, 2015
Mom was watching some show where they're trying to catch problem animals.
Mom: This guy's got a raccoon up his chimney.
Me: That's strange. And perverted.
Mom: (Only half listening.) They're trying to get it out.
Me: I mean, gerbils are weird enough, but raccoons?
Mom: (As the joke goes zipping over her head.) A raccoon will
tear your ass up.
Me: Out like a scalded cat.
Dan Jacobs: Ahh, check! And would this be a calico or more of a
Me: James, if you get that atrocity stuck in my head, I will
James Robinson: I just did it all for the glory of love.
December 13, 2015
I just got shit on. By a bird. In a parking lot at night.
December 20, 2015
I know they make 5 Hour Energy, but what I really need is 5 Hour Give a Shit.
December 27, 2015
I went back out to the floor after lunch, and I stopped at the pisser in front of the event center. I listened to Chicago as I was taking a leak, and I had a thought. There are many things I've always wanted to do with my life. Standing there, with my dick in my hand while Peter Cetera sings a live ballad, was definitely not one of them.
Me: I've been informed that Peter was not singing with them tonight. I thought he sounded off. On the plus side, I can stop fretting over having to pencil in that whole dick in my hand thing and then cross it off my bucket list.
***
I was doing something else, while infomercials were on in the background. Some chick started crying about how she needed to make a change. I heard my mouth say, "There's no crying in Zumba!"
I promptly slapped the shit out of myself.
December 28, 2015
I saw a holiday commercial for Flex Seal last night. Apparently, it's the perfect holiday gift. Fair notice, if you ever buy me rubber in a can as a Christmas gift, you're getting punched in the dick and/or cootch.
Larry Jacobs: What if it's bought online and sent to you??
And thus the joke was inadvertently amplified, making its way overhead and out into space.
February 2, 2015
Really? McDonald's is going to make a judgment call on whether I'm loving enough to get my food for free? What do I have to do? Hug myself? Tongue kiss some customer who just wants a quarter pounder, not a sexual assault by a complete stranger? Maybe finger a willing clown and spank my ass with a banana while I wait on my fruit pie? Who the hell is running McDonald's, and why do they think random red couches and shit like this is even remotely sane or PR savvy? I'll just go ahead and pay for my fucking meal, thank you very much.
February 3, 2015
Absurd rambling commentary on daily event and/or pop culture reference. Scathing and unflattering observation of Taylor Swift. Reference to llamas, ostriches or midgets. Sexual innuendo. Possible non-sequitur about a platypus. Cynical summary.
February 4, 2015
I was watching the cat groom her butt, thinking how weird cats are, and then I remembered that there's a whole cottage industry set up to bleach and bronze people's buttholes. Made cats seem pretty normal by comparison.
February 11, 2015
I was sitting around earlier, being bored and wondering how much this car shit is going to cost me, and I finally figured out why my cat is sometimes going batshit crazy and spazzing out in the kitchen. When I stand near the sink, the sunlight reflects off my watch, creating a moving dot on the wall. Having figured this out, I preceded to drive her totally mental. She spazzed, she stalked, she patiently waited to strike, but the dot made a mockery of all her attempts. She is now sitting and staring at the wall, at random times, patiently waiting for her nemesis to return. I think I've broken my cat.#pussyissues
February 14, 2015
Whoever invented the term FroYo needs to ride up and down on a cattle prod. For starters. I think I hate it worse than YOLO. Less than Taylor Swift. Somewhere in the general spectrum of eternal red hot anal prod and slow flaming death in an annoyingly tiny brazen bull.
February 22, 2015
I was just waiting in line for the pisser, listening to some girl tell me about how much she had to take a shit. Who may have had pinkeye. Weird.
***
Beers, check. Girl with the least amount of rhythm in the free world, check. (No shit, reminded me of that episode of Elaine dancing on Seinfeld.) Backhanded in the face by another overly enthusiastic but severely apologetic girl, check. Piss in the broke down women's room, because women are using the men's, including one who really, apparently, had to shit, check. See photographic proof of a girl who built her own corset out of blue duct tape, check. Fairly normal night, all in all.
***
The name I gave the cat was Penny, but she really answers to Happy Magic Boo Boo Cat. Because using her true name would summon Venetius, Destroyer of Blinds. And be far less funny at the vet.
February 24, 2015
Correlation may not equal causation, but I still feel like Hot Pockets are probably responsible for most of the world's diarrhea.
March 2, 2015
If I'm on a tour bus, and some crazy lady in a t-shirt pronouncing her pride in bowel movements jumps up and starts asking questions about constipation and diarrhea, I'm more likely to throw her over the side of the bus than join a round table on the state and quality of the average dirt biscuit. Who decides these commercials are even remotely ok?
March 3, 2015
So, this guy captured a photo of a baby weasel trying to take down a woodpecker, and they went airborne. A real David and Goliath story. Hell yeah, go tiny weasel. There's a life lesson in there somewhere. Something like, "Grab hold of the biggest pecker you can find, and ride it for dear life." You know, valuable shit.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B_IPdxOUoAEQl5w.jpg
March 6, 2015
I figure, anytime you go under anesthesia, you should make your last, and potentially final, words count. The nurse was prepping the bite block, getting ready to fit it. I said, "The safe word is... banana."
March 12, 2015
In response to John Sheldahl’s t-shirt suggestion:
I'd like to start a delivery business, where pizza delivery type guys show up at your door with a bag of piping hot breadsticks shaped like shlongs, and the package says Dick's Eat a Bag. (This would find it’s stride, later in the year.)
March 16, 2015
The cat is paranoid. The dot hadn't made an appearance in a few days, and she sprang into action, throwing herself at the wall. She wouldn't leave the wall for cat treats, and when she did finally move away, she kept spinning around, looking behind her, like the dot was going to sneak up and fool her somehow.
March 22, 2015
So, fish loaf is apparently a thing. Not sure how that slipped by me all this time, but I am sure of one thing. Some words don't really belong together. Like fish loaf or anal spiders.
***
They should call K.C. & the Sunshine Band's agent about a Cialis or Viagra licensing deal. Spoof his song a bit and make it their theme. Na na nana nana nana na na na, get it up, Baaaaby, get it uuup...
Chris Rowland: When I see the Viagra commercials with a guy
February 2, 2015
Really? McDonald's is going to make a judgment call on whether I'm loving enough to get my food for free? What do I have to do? Hug myself? Tongue kiss some customer who just wants a quarter pounder, not a sexual assault by a complete stranger? Maybe finger a willing clown and spank my ass with a banana while I wait on my fruit pie? Who the hell is running McDonald's, and why do they think random red couches and shit like this is even remotely sane or PR savvy? I'll just go ahead and pay for my fucking meal, thank you very much.
February 3, 2015
Absurd rambling commentary on daily event and/or pop culture reference. Scathing and unflattering observation of Taylor Swift. Reference to llamas, ostriches or midgets. Sexual innuendo. Possible non-sequitur about a platypus. Cynical summary.
February 4, 2015
I was watching the cat groom her butt, thinking how weird cats are, and then I remembered that there's a whole cottage industry set up to bleach and bronze people's buttholes. Made cats seem pretty normal by comparison.
February 11, 2015
I was sitting around earlier, being bored and wondering how much this car shit is going to cost me, and I finally figured out why my cat is sometimes going batshit crazy and spazzing out in the kitchen. When I stand near the sink, the sunlight reflects off my watch, creating a moving dot on the wall. Having figured this out, I preceded to drive her totally mental. She spazzed, she stalked, she patiently waited to strike, but the dot made a mockery of all her attempts. She is now sitting and staring at the wall, at random times, patiently waiting for her nemesis to return. I think I've broken my cat.#pussyissues
February 14, 2015
Whoever invented the term FroYo needs to ride up and down on a cattle prod. For starters. I think I hate it worse than YOLO. Less than Taylor Swift. Somewhere in the general spectrum of eternal red hot anal prod and slow flaming death in an annoyingly tiny brazen bull.
February 22, 2015
I was just waiting in line for the pisser, listening to some girl tell me about how much she had to take a shit. Who may have had pinkeye. Weird.
***
Beers, check. Girl with the least amount of rhythm in the free world, check. (No shit, reminded me of that episode of Elaine dancing on Seinfeld.) Backhanded in the face by another overly enthusiastic but severely apologetic girl, check. Piss in the broke down women's room, because women are using the men's, including one who really, apparently, had to shit, check. See photographic proof of a girl who built her own corset out of blue duct tape, check. Fairly normal night, all in all.
***
The name I gave the cat was Penny, but she really answers to Happy Magic Boo Boo Cat. Because using her true name would summon Venetius, Destroyer of Blinds. And be far less funny at the vet.
February 24, 2015
Correlation may not equal causation, but I still feel like Hot Pockets are probably responsible for most of the world's diarrhea.
March 2, 2015
If I'm on a tour bus, and some crazy lady in a t-shirt pronouncing her pride in bowel movements jumps up and starts asking questions about constipation and diarrhea, I'm more likely to throw her over the side of the bus than join a round table on the state and quality of the average dirt biscuit. Who decides these commercials are even remotely ok?
March 3, 2015
So, this guy captured a photo of a baby weasel trying to take down a woodpecker, and they went airborne. A real David and Goliath story. Hell yeah, go tiny weasel. There's a life lesson in there somewhere. Something like, "Grab hold of the biggest pecker you can find, and ride it for dear life." You know, valuable shit.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B_IPdxOUoAEQl5w.jpg
March 6, 2015
I figure, anytime you go under anesthesia, you should make your last, and potentially final, words count. The nurse was prepping the bite block, getting ready to fit it. I said, "The safe word is... banana."
March 12, 2015
In response to John Sheldahl’s t-shirt suggestion:
I'd like to start a delivery business, where pizza delivery type guys show up at your door with a bag of piping hot breadsticks shaped like shlongs, and the package says Dick's Eat a Bag. (This would find it’s stride, later in the year.)
March 16, 2015
The cat is paranoid. The dot hadn't made an appearance in a few days, and she sprang into action, throwing herself at the wall. She wouldn't leave the wall for cat treats, and when she did finally move away, she kept spinning around, looking behind her, like the dot was going to sneak up and fool her somehow.
March 22, 2015
So, fish loaf is apparently a thing. Not sure how that slipped by me all this time, but I am sure of one thing. Some words don't really belong together. Like fish loaf or anal spiders.
***
They should call K.C. & the Sunshine Band's agent about a Cialis or Viagra licensing deal. Spoof his song a bit and make it their theme. Na na nana nana nana na na na, get it up, Baaaaby, get it uuup...
Chris Rowland: When I see the Viagra commercials with a guy
driving a pickup truck, I always think of the Chevy ads with Bob
Seger’s “Like a Rock.”
Me: Glad I’m not the only one.
April 2, 2015
Mom's finally decided to ditch her flip phone and move on to something better. She asked me, "What kind of phone should I get?" I said, "Wood burning."
April 5, 2015
They need to make a hand sanitizer called Cooties Quits.
Lou Castillo: I have a bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk that is
Me: Glad I’m not the only one.
April 2, 2015
Mom's finally decided to ditch her flip phone and move on to something better. She asked me, "What kind of phone should I get?" I said, "Wood burning."
April 5, 2015
They need to make a hand sanitizer called Cooties Quits.
Lou Castillo: I have a bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk that is
called "In Case You Touched Your Genitals"
April 6, 2015
I spent 2 hours watching Birdman, and I'll be damned if I can tell you whether I enjoyed it or not. Well acted, slightly surreal and... different. I find myself full of ennui. I'm also acutely aware that my mustache smells like ramen noodles. I'm going to go wash my flavor saver, catch some Z's and try not to have nightmares about Icarus peeing on Monica after she gets stung by jellyfish in the worst Friends episode ever. Because you should never watch something like that, eat cheap noodles, then expect to sleep well.
April 21, 2015
You know what I hate about Spring? Those damned Scott's "feed your lawn" commercials. I wish Groundskeeper Willie would come flying in and drop kick that guy in the nuts.
***
If I could make it through one day without hearing half a dozen whiny ass Taylor Swift songs, it would be like winning the super lotto. With modern technology and all the private investment capital floating around, surely someone would be willing to finance my Swift X Solar Rocket, if NASA won't get off its ass and do it. (I really do have to give Swift most of the credit for sucking a galaxy wide swath of balls.)
April 22, 2015
You know how I know when it's time to go to bed? When I start to think about how I could go back in time, eat scrambled eggs for breakfast once, and I'd be the only one who'd know why you're all eating Kentucky Fried Pigeon.
Me: Before you say anything, the hen is a witness. I'd be the last
April 6, 2015
I spent 2 hours watching Birdman, and I'll be damned if I can tell you whether I enjoyed it or not. Well acted, slightly surreal and... different. I find myself full of ennui. I'm also acutely aware that my mustache smells like ramen noodles. I'm going to go wash my flavor saver, catch some Z's and try not to have nightmares about Icarus peeing on Monica after she gets stung by jellyfish in the worst Friends episode ever. Because you should never watch something like that, eat cheap noodles, then expect to sleep well.
April 21, 2015
You know what I hate about Spring? Those damned Scott's "feed your lawn" commercials. I wish Groundskeeper Willie would come flying in and drop kick that guy in the nuts.
***
If I could make it through one day without hearing half a dozen whiny ass Taylor Swift songs, it would be like winning the super lotto. With modern technology and all the private investment capital floating around, surely someone would be willing to finance my Swift X Solar Rocket, if NASA won't get off its ass and do it. (I really do have to give Swift most of the credit for sucking a galaxy wide swath of balls.)
April 22, 2015
You know how I know when it's time to go to bed? When I start to think about how I could go back in time, eat scrambled eggs for breakfast once, and I'd be the only one who'd know why you're all eating Kentucky Fried Pigeon.
Me: Before you say anything, the hen is a witness. I'd be the last
person to eat fried chicken. And you'd all be eating pigeon fried
steak.
Patrick Keeney: There's the WTF I've come to love and admire.
Me: You get extra pigeon.
Patrick Keeney: Yay me! Wait...what? Eeew!
Me: No, no, it tastes like, well, not chicken.
April 23, 2015
I'd rather be furiously punched in the butthole by an enraged ape than have to hear the goofy old shit in this infomercial talk one more time about how breath strips can make his pogo stick bounce worthy again.
April 28, 2015
I wish I'd went to medical school. I could have opened an OB/GYN practice and called it At Your Cervix.
Me: I'd have to locate it between the Y and a taco stand.
Kyle Patrick Cummings: And have John Cafferty & the Beaver
Patrick Keeney: There's the WTF I've come to love and admire.
Me: You get extra pigeon.
Patrick Keeney: Yay me! Wait...what? Eeew!
Me: No, no, it tastes like, well, not chicken.
April 23, 2015
I'd rather be furiously punched in the butthole by an enraged ape than have to hear the goofy old shit in this infomercial talk one more time about how breath strips can make his pogo stick bounce worthy again.
April 28, 2015
I wish I'd went to medical school. I could have opened an OB/GYN practice and called it At Your Cervix.
Me: I'd have to locate it between the Y and a taco stand.
Kyle Patrick Cummings: And have John Cafferty & the Beaver
Brown band playing on a loop.
Me: All the wall art would be Georgia O'Keeffe prints.
May 4, 2015
I may have to call out of work today, due to my ass exploding. I wonder if they'll take a note from the inspector, because I think I'm going to have to have it checked for structural damage.
Me: All the wall art would be Georgia O'Keeffe prints.
May 4, 2015
I may have to call out of work today, due to my ass exploding. I wonder if they'll take a note from the inspector, because I think I'm going to have to have it checked for structural damage.
Dan Jacobs: Our question is... Was this from something coming
out or something going in to your butt? Knowing you all these
years, either is a possibility.
Me: Out like a scalded cat.
Dan Jacobs: Ahh, check! And would this be a calico or more of a
tabby? Also, clawed or declawed? More of a rhetorical question
there, of course, but it is on this Q&A sheet we are filling out...
Me: More of a greased Sphinx with tiny cleats on for traction.
***
Another lotto plan? Hire people to dress as ants and live in a big ant colony for my personal amusement.
May 9, 2015
Today's forecast: Cloudy, with isolated thunderstorms and a chance of diarrhea, increasing to 100% in the afternoon due to Hot Pockets.
May 17, 2015
I didn't eat much for lunch. Didn't eat much at work. Which always sucks, because when I get home, I want to eat everything. I had chili. Then strawberries. Then I ate a whole can of fried Spam, because it was just sitting in the cabinet, fucking mocking me. And I found a frog in the kitchen. Which was weird. That's never happened before. Not a big frog, but still. Fucking weird.
May 19, 2015
Having just eaten an entire package, I can't honestly say that pre-cooked bacon may be the best thing since sliced bread. No, piss on that, sliced bread isn't fit to tongue pre-cooked bacon's bung.
***
I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, right behind this older guy. I'm toweling off my hands, and I suddenly hear something that sounds like a hurricane hurling a flock of ducks into a ceiling fan. I think lunch may be off the table.
June 2, 2015
Chris Rowland: One of my sons, updating his brother on his Minecraft work today: “I did some landscaping around the Nether portal.”
I thought of you.
Me: You don't want to look like a zombie pig man down there.
Me: More of a greased Sphinx with tiny cleats on for traction.
***
Another lotto plan? Hire people to dress as ants and live in a big ant colony for my personal amusement.
May 9, 2015
Today's forecast: Cloudy, with isolated thunderstorms and a chance of diarrhea, increasing to 100% in the afternoon due to Hot Pockets.
May 17, 2015
I didn't eat much for lunch. Didn't eat much at work. Which always sucks, because when I get home, I want to eat everything. I had chili. Then strawberries. Then I ate a whole can of fried Spam, because it was just sitting in the cabinet, fucking mocking me. And I found a frog in the kitchen. Which was weird. That's never happened before. Not a big frog, but still. Fucking weird.
May 19, 2015
Having just eaten an entire package, I can't honestly say that pre-cooked bacon may be the best thing since sliced bread. No, piss on that, sliced bread isn't fit to tongue pre-cooked bacon's bung.
***
I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, right behind this older guy. I'm toweling off my hands, and I suddenly hear something that sounds like a hurricane hurling a flock of ducks into a ceiling fan. I think lunch may be off the table.
June 2, 2015
Chris Rowland: One of my sons, updating his brother on his Minecraft work today: “I did some landscaping around the Nether portal.”
I thought of you.
Me: You don't want to look like a zombie pig man down there.
Stay away from the lava. You don't want a blazing rod, either.
June 3, 2015
June 3, 2015
Can we all stop and observe a moment of silence for the giant reaper burrito I leave behind in the Arkansas Walmart bathroom? It lived a short life, joyful and full of meat, hotter coming out than going in.
June 4, 2015
So, Charles and I stopped at O'Charley's in Jackson to eat supper. We ordered the total sampler, cheese wedges, potato skins, and chicken fingers. When the waitress brought them out she said, "I'm sorry, we're out of potato skins, and I forgot when I put in your order, is that ok?"
"Seriously? It's hardly a total sampler if one third of the food's missing, is it?"
"Well, they wrote it on the board, but I forgot. Would you like to order something else?"
I looked at the food sitting on the table. "Not really, it's already here, are we going to get comped, or what? 33% of it's missing."
"I could get you something else."
"Like what?"
"Would you like a loaded baked potato instead? It's basically the same thing."
My brain had to take a minute to process that stupidity. "I suppose so."
"So that's okay, I'll get you a baked potato instead?"
"Yes."
So, she brings out the baked potato, and I asked her, "I guess the potato skins are frozen then, because you have potatoes, and you have baked potatoes, but you're out of potato skins."
"What?"
"You have potatoes, and you have loaded baked potatoes, which are exactly the same thing, but you're out of potato skins. I don't understand how that works."
"I think they're cut differently, or something, all I know is we're out of them."
"Cut differently? They're cut in half. Whatever."
"Is this satisfactory?"
"Yes, whatever."
Jesus.
June 9, 2015
YOUR ACCOUNT BALANCE HAS INSUFFICIENT FUCKS FOR THIS TRANSACTION.
June 16, 2015
You ever wake up, and it seems like your asscheeks and your legs have forgotten how to cooperate? I woke up in the recliner, and I felt like a stoned ostrich trying to make it to the pisser.
June 30, 2015
I'm starting to think that I'd rather glue birdseed to my ballsack and hang upside down from a tree, than endure another year of Presidential election bullshit.
July 1, 2015
Why doesn't Monsanto engineer something really useful? Like corn on the cobwebs, where I can be lazy, not clean house, and still have fresh produce.
July 2, 2015
After seeing that new Pizza Hut pizza, I now know exactly how many hot dogs are needed to open a portal to Hell.
July 3, 2015
Nick said he'd like to have a guard walrus. I told him, if I ever win the lottery, I'm gonna have a custom security system. I'll buy hippos and train them to rage at the sight of ping pong balls. If a burglar breaks in, ping pong balls will fall from the ceiling, four doors will open, and a message will warn them that they now face the wrath and fury of my hungry, hungry hippos.
July 9, 2015
We went to the store the other day, and they had a ceramic birdhouse that looked like a cactus. Nick said it looked more like some sort of sex toy. I said, "Yeah, but it's a cactus where all the pricks are on the inside."
July 27, 2015
I don't need an energy drink. What I need is a give a shit drink. (Also got fleshed out, later in the year.)
July 29, 2015
My cat has a problem. It's partly my fault, being an enabler. I give her treats when I get up, and I give her treats when I get home. Now she acts like a crack addict. You'd swear I'm regulating her methadone, the way she pisses and moans for snacks.
I was trying to get her out of the spare bedroom. She was slinking around and hiding, trying to avoid me. So I went and got the treat bag and shook it. She came flying out, doing her best Tyrone Biggums impersonation, and I shut the door behind her. Then I put the treats back on the shelf, while she spazzed out. I said, "That's what you get for being an asshole."
August 2, 2015
I'm not saying the commercials aren't funny, but I have a hard time understanding why anyone would think messing with a Sasquatch would be a good idea. Kind of pulls me out of the story, making it impossible to maintain immersion.
August 3, 2015
After nearly 3 decades, my reaction anytime Peter Cetera comes on the radio is still NOPE.
August 9, 2015
I think I would rather disguise my dick as an acorn, then screw a knothole full of starving chipmunks, than sit through another 15 months of election bullshit.
August 14, 2015
WTF. Sesame Street is moving to HBO? Are Bert and Ernie doing the next season of True Detective? Is Snuffaluffagus going to be played by Ron Jeremy? Red wedding for Elmo? Big Bird goes to The Player's Ball to write a report on pimpin'?
August 18, 2015
For some reason, Moolala seems to think I have a need for 35% off Honest Feminine Care organic cotton tampons from Jessica Alba. I don't think my interest in Jessica Alba extends to buying her vagina related products.
August 19, 2015
Aarrrgh, me breeches have been besmirched by the foul specters of dinners past.
August 24, 2015
How about a cover band, where we all wear trench coats and sunglasses, called Feely Dan?
***
I've been feeling out an idea for a computer tech service that does door to door. All the techs will dress like Amish.
John Sheldahl: I have to play the straight man... What will
June 4, 2015
So, Charles and I stopped at O'Charley's in Jackson to eat supper. We ordered the total sampler, cheese wedges, potato skins, and chicken fingers. When the waitress brought them out she said, "I'm sorry, we're out of potato skins, and I forgot when I put in your order, is that ok?"
"Seriously? It's hardly a total sampler if one third of the food's missing, is it?"
"Well, they wrote it on the board, but I forgot. Would you like to order something else?"
I looked at the food sitting on the table. "Not really, it's already here, are we going to get comped, or what? 33% of it's missing."
"I could get you something else."
"Like what?"
"Would you like a loaded baked potato instead? It's basically the same thing."
My brain had to take a minute to process that stupidity. "I suppose so."
"So that's okay, I'll get you a baked potato instead?"
"Yes."
So, she brings out the baked potato, and I asked her, "I guess the potato skins are frozen then, because you have potatoes, and you have baked potatoes, but you're out of potato skins."
"What?"
"You have potatoes, and you have loaded baked potatoes, which are exactly the same thing, but you're out of potato skins. I don't understand how that works."
"I think they're cut differently, or something, all I know is we're out of them."
"Cut differently? They're cut in half. Whatever."
"Is this satisfactory?"
"Yes, whatever."
Jesus.
June 9, 2015
YOUR ACCOUNT BALANCE HAS INSUFFICIENT FUCKS FOR THIS TRANSACTION.
June 16, 2015
You ever wake up, and it seems like your asscheeks and your legs have forgotten how to cooperate? I woke up in the recliner, and I felt like a stoned ostrich trying to make it to the pisser.
June 30, 2015
I'm starting to think that I'd rather glue birdseed to my ballsack and hang upside down from a tree, than endure another year of Presidential election bullshit.
July 1, 2015
Why doesn't Monsanto engineer something really useful? Like corn on the cobwebs, where I can be lazy, not clean house, and still have fresh produce.
July 2, 2015
After seeing that new Pizza Hut pizza, I now know exactly how many hot dogs are needed to open a portal to Hell.
July 3, 2015
Nick said he'd like to have a guard walrus. I told him, if I ever win the lottery, I'm gonna have a custom security system. I'll buy hippos and train them to rage at the sight of ping pong balls. If a burglar breaks in, ping pong balls will fall from the ceiling, four doors will open, and a message will warn them that they now face the wrath and fury of my hungry, hungry hippos.
July 9, 2015
We went to the store the other day, and they had a ceramic birdhouse that looked like a cactus. Nick said it looked more like some sort of sex toy. I said, "Yeah, but it's a cactus where all the pricks are on the inside."
July 27, 2015
I don't need an energy drink. What I need is a give a shit drink. (Also got fleshed out, later in the year.)
July 29, 2015
My cat has a problem. It's partly my fault, being an enabler. I give her treats when I get up, and I give her treats when I get home. Now she acts like a crack addict. You'd swear I'm regulating her methadone, the way she pisses and moans for snacks.
I was trying to get her out of the spare bedroom. She was slinking around and hiding, trying to avoid me. So I went and got the treat bag and shook it. She came flying out, doing her best Tyrone Biggums impersonation, and I shut the door behind her. Then I put the treats back on the shelf, while she spazzed out. I said, "That's what you get for being an asshole."
August 2, 2015
I'm not saying the commercials aren't funny, but I have a hard time understanding why anyone would think messing with a Sasquatch would be a good idea. Kind of pulls me out of the story, making it impossible to maintain immersion.
August 3, 2015
After nearly 3 decades, my reaction anytime Peter Cetera comes on the radio is still NOPE.
August 9, 2015
I think I would rather disguise my dick as an acorn, then screw a knothole full of starving chipmunks, than sit through another 15 months of election bullshit.
August 14, 2015
WTF. Sesame Street is moving to HBO? Are Bert and Ernie doing the next season of True Detective? Is Snuffaluffagus going to be played by Ron Jeremy? Red wedding for Elmo? Big Bird goes to The Player's Ball to write a report on pimpin'?
August 18, 2015
For some reason, Moolala seems to think I have a need for 35% off Honest Feminine Care organic cotton tampons from Jessica Alba. I don't think my interest in Jessica Alba extends to buying her vagina related products.
August 19, 2015
Aarrrgh, me breeches have been besmirched by the foul specters of dinners past.
August 24, 2015
How about a cover band, where we all wear trench coats and sunglasses, called Feely Dan?
***
I've been feeling out an idea for a computer tech service that does door to door. All the techs will dress like Amish.
John Sheldahl: I have to play the straight man... What will
you call this business???
Me: Debuggies?
John Sheldahl: What no sexual reference as well??
Me: No, I'm saving that for the tech guys in bondage gear.
Me: Debuggies?
John Sheldahl: What no sexual reference as well??
Me: No, I'm saving that for the tech guys in bondage gear.
Sadistechs.
August 30, 2015
If I had a choice between Presidential election 2016 and exploding anal beads, I'd go collateral damage and anal beads, every time.
August 31, 2015
In watching TV for the last 20 minutes, I've learned that the attractive ladies who are spewing economic advice seem to think that main street America is OK financially. They also think popups can be helpful, because when you go to the Caymans, and you pick a hotel, the next time you go, it'll pop up a helpful ad for that. And all while wearing wedding sets large enough to easily knock out a horse with a left jab. Soon thereafter, I hear Kanye West announce that he's running for President in 2020. So, you know, just fucking kill me now.
September 5, 2015
I was watching that Subaru commercial earlier, where the father is cleaning out the car, and each thing reminds him of a life moment with his daughter. I guess it's supposed to be a touching father/daughter moment, but all I kept thinking was, "This is the first time this guy's cleaned out his fucking car in 14 years?"
September 6, 2015
Realized it's becoming increasingly unreal to expect I'll be an eccentric rich bastard.
September 11, 2015
Every time I have to call customer service, about anything, it makes me want to pull my balls off, chew off my lips, and run screaming naked into the streets. They blocked my new card for "suspicious" activity. It was a 45.00 purchase, made 2.5 days ago at Amazon.com, under my name, billed to my credit card billing address, and shipped to an address on file. I couldn't get any rational explanation for why the hell they would deem that remotely suspicious, or why they wouldn't bother notifying me about it, so I wouldn't have to make a 40 mile round trip and come home empty handed from Walmart. All she could keep saying in an almost completely non-understandable accent was, "It was blocked, but it's okay now, you can go ahead and use it." Never could get any kind of logical reason for why it happened in the first place. No explanation, except for the fact that it's automatic anytime there is a large purchase from a suspicious retailer. I said, "It was a fucking $45.00 purchase from the world's largest retailer! How do I know it's not going to happen again, the next time I try to use it anywhere else?" But it's ok to use now, she assured me. Like a brain damaged parrot that's eaten too many heavy metal crackers in an oxygen deprived environment.
September 17, 2015
After working with the public on a regular basis for some time now, I've had another idea for an invention. Clothes with a built in detector, sort of like a smoke alarm, that goes off when BO reaches certain levels.
September 20, 2015
Ever had someone tell you all snotty that you should have said something about shit they should have noticed themselves? Ever felt like saying, "Well, you should pull you head out of your ass and take a look at what's right in front of your fucking face, because we all want things?"
September 21, 2015
I fell asleep in the chair, and when I got up, it's like my ass and legs had forgotten how to communicate. Like they'd had an argument at Thanksgiving dinner several years ago, and things never went back to normal. They're in the same room and trying to pretend things are okay, but it's all awkward and doesn't work quite right, and because they can't seem to get their shit together, all the other body parts have to tiptoe around them and gimp their way into the kitchen for something to drink. Or, I could need more sleep and blood flow to my butt cheeks.
September 25, 2015
Well, thanks to real time TV, I now know it's safe to go water sliding into the pool during my period, because the braided tail will funnel any leaks back into my vagina. You can't possibly imagine how relieved I am. I-vagined? Is that a thing?
September 29, 2015
I know they're pushing the crap out of Supergirl on CBS, but it's going to suck a wide variety of testicles. A gargantuan cornucopia of varied nads, unseen since eunuchs filled the Imperial Court of the Ming Dynasty. That's a lot of balls, folks. I hope it dies a short and suitably horrible first season death. A pox upon everyone involved in the entire travesty. That being said, I hope CW resurrects Constantine, adding it to their DC lineup, and Netflix continues to rock the Daredevil roll with Jessica Jones.
September 30, 2015
I bought my Powerball tix. When I win, I'm gonna buy a massive yacht, then set it up on a plot of land in Utah or New Mexico, then live in it. I'll spend a year or two taking shitty service industry jobs, doing exactly what I want to, until I get fired for saying exactly what people deserve to hear. Then I'll write a book about it and use the proceeds to set up a college fund for some poor bastard having to take shit at a McJob, because they can't afford school. At some point, I'm going to have to start auditioning midget luchadores for the position of personal valet and security. I'm also going to have to requisition designs for a flying car, shaped like a schlong.
***
I don't know why Panda Express is suddenly turning on the gasworks in my gut, but when I woke up this morning, my ass sounded like a fat guy moaning into a kazoo. And I was dumb enough to go back for seconds today. Maybe this time I'll get a walrus playing an oboe.
***
I swear that the alarm clock subjected me to a mariachi version of Laura Branigan's Self Control. Woke me up from a dream where I was watching newscopter coverage of a normal sized Tommy Chong fighting a 50 ft. woman in early 70's clothes.
October 5, 2015
One day, when I invent a sniper rifle that shoots venomous spiders, some people are going to have a bad time.
October 7, 2015
I sneezed so hard, it made me dizzy, and my balls felt funny.
October 15, 2015
I'm going to start carrying a balloon in my pocket. Whenever someone tells me something excruciatingly asinine, I'm going to pull it out, blow it up and hand it to them. Then I'm going to offer congratulations on that being the one millionth stupid fucking thing I've had to hear.
October 17, 2015
Have you ever wondered, when you write or say something, if you're the first person in human history to ever utter or write that statement?
Mortimer's story came to a justified and well deserved end, when his body was found eaten from the balls up by a flock of exceedingly carnivorous loons.
There. Pretty sure I'm calling first on that one.
October 20, 2015
I learned something cool tonight from the helpful infomercial guy. If I buy gold, my money would double if the price of gold doubles. I'm not sure how all the complicated maths work out, but it sounds good to me.
***
I still want to start a bakery/delivery service. You could order penis shaped bread, cookies, pastries, etc. and have them delivered to people. I'd call it Baggadix. Every delivery box or bag will say, "Eat a Baggadix."
October 24, 2015
My oldest son hates coleslaw about as much as I do. I said, "It's like being asked to choose between eating coleslaw and having a spider monkey screw you in the ear." He asked which one I'd choose. I said,"It depends on how attractive the monkey is."
October 31, 2015
After the (insert apocalypse here), I will have a throne made of SPAM cans. I will sit upon it, passing judgment on my enemies, stroking my platypus, Mr. Wiggles. They will all dance the chicken dance in the colosseum, and if they stop, they die. Only the last one standing will survive. And then I will announce that they've moved on to the semi-finals, and the Macarena music will start.
November 3, 2015
As I'm walking up to a machine to fix it, a woman sits down right in front of me. She looks at the 32" screen, which is blued out and says CALL ATTENDANT, and proceeds to try cramming her ticket into it. I'm standing right behind her for a full minute, watching her do this. She turns around and says,"It won't take my money." I pointed at the screen and said, "That's because it's not in service." Rather than play one of the 2 other machines that were working, she walked off. I found it ironic that it was a CLUE machine.
November 4, 2015
I need a vacation. Or more sleep. Or something. I caught myself meowing the Doctor Who theme to the cat.
November 5, 2015
Sneeze pissing is not as exciting as it sounds.
November 9, 2015
Sometimes, I think that some people are only part of the human race, because they won some sort of contest, or it was a hiring quota for humanity.
November 13, 2015
I swear, sometimes when I stop at McD's, all I want from them is to prove to me that the human race isn't devolving back into monkeys. But I'm pretty sure monkeys wouldn't have fucked up my order twice.
November 29, 2015
How much do I like driving to work in winter? It mouth fondles dead monkeys, that's how much.
December 1, 2015
Idea: Butt shaped raviolis called Rav-a-hole-is. Need to get Chef Boyardee on board.
December 3, 2015
Think I might finally get in on this holiday elf craze. Maybe take some elf on myself pics.
December 6, 2015
I was on the way to work, and a thought popped into my head. If ducks had propellers, they'd probably be more efficient in the air AND in the water.
December 8, 2015
Just when I'd been lulled into a false sense of security that I could live in a Peter Cetera free world, Chicago schedules a Winstar concert.
James Robinson: You do realize he is a man who will fight
August 30, 2015
If I had a choice between Presidential election 2016 and exploding anal beads, I'd go collateral damage and anal beads, every time.
August 31, 2015
In watching TV for the last 20 minutes, I've learned that the attractive ladies who are spewing economic advice seem to think that main street America is OK financially. They also think popups can be helpful, because when you go to the Caymans, and you pick a hotel, the next time you go, it'll pop up a helpful ad for that. And all while wearing wedding sets large enough to easily knock out a horse with a left jab. Soon thereafter, I hear Kanye West announce that he's running for President in 2020. So, you know, just fucking kill me now.
September 5, 2015
I was watching that Subaru commercial earlier, where the father is cleaning out the car, and each thing reminds him of a life moment with his daughter. I guess it's supposed to be a touching father/daughter moment, but all I kept thinking was, "This is the first time this guy's cleaned out his fucking car in 14 years?"
September 6, 2015
Realized it's becoming increasingly unreal to expect I'll be an eccentric rich bastard.
September 11, 2015
Every time I have to call customer service, about anything, it makes me want to pull my balls off, chew off my lips, and run screaming naked into the streets. They blocked my new card for "suspicious" activity. It was a 45.00 purchase, made 2.5 days ago at Amazon.com, under my name, billed to my credit card billing address, and shipped to an address on file. I couldn't get any rational explanation for why the hell they would deem that remotely suspicious, or why they wouldn't bother notifying me about it, so I wouldn't have to make a 40 mile round trip and come home empty handed from Walmart. All she could keep saying in an almost completely non-understandable accent was, "It was blocked, but it's okay now, you can go ahead and use it." Never could get any kind of logical reason for why it happened in the first place. No explanation, except for the fact that it's automatic anytime there is a large purchase from a suspicious retailer. I said, "It was a fucking $45.00 purchase from the world's largest retailer! How do I know it's not going to happen again, the next time I try to use it anywhere else?" But it's ok to use now, she assured me. Like a brain damaged parrot that's eaten too many heavy metal crackers in an oxygen deprived environment.
September 17, 2015
After working with the public on a regular basis for some time now, I've had another idea for an invention. Clothes with a built in detector, sort of like a smoke alarm, that goes off when BO reaches certain levels.
September 20, 2015
Ever had someone tell you all snotty that you should have said something about shit they should have noticed themselves? Ever felt like saying, "Well, you should pull you head out of your ass and take a look at what's right in front of your fucking face, because we all want things?"
September 21, 2015
I fell asleep in the chair, and when I got up, it's like my ass and legs had forgotten how to communicate. Like they'd had an argument at Thanksgiving dinner several years ago, and things never went back to normal. They're in the same room and trying to pretend things are okay, but it's all awkward and doesn't work quite right, and because they can't seem to get their shit together, all the other body parts have to tiptoe around them and gimp their way into the kitchen for something to drink. Or, I could need more sleep and blood flow to my butt cheeks.
September 25, 2015
Well, thanks to real time TV, I now know it's safe to go water sliding into the pool during my period, because the braided tail will funnel any leaks back into my vagina. You can't possibly imagine how relieved I am. I-vagined? Is that a thing?
September 29, 2015
I know they're pushing the crap out of Supergirl on CBS, but it's going to suck a wide variety of testicles. A gargantuan cornucopia of varied nads, unseen since eunuchs filled the Imperial Court of the Ming Dynasty. That's a lot of balls, folks. I hope it dies a short and suitably horrible first season death. A pox upon everyone involved in the entire travesty. That being said, I hope CW resurrects Constantine, adding it to their DC lineup, and Netflix continues to rock the Daredevil roll with Jessica Jones.
September 30, 2015
I bought my Powerball tix. When I win, I'm gonna buy a massive yacht, then set it up on a plot of land in Utah or New Mexico, then live in it. I'll spend a year or two taking shitty service industry jobs, doing exactly what I want to, until I get fired for saying exactly what people deserve to hear. Then I'll write a book about it and use the proceeds to set up a college fund for some poor bastard having to take shit at a McJob, because they can't afford school. At some point, I'm going to have to start auditioning midget luchadores for the position of personal valet and security. I'm also going to have to requisition designs for a flying car, shaped like a schlong.
***
I don't know why Panda Express is suddenly turning on the gasworks in my gut, but when I woke up this morning, my ass sounded like a fat guy moaning into a kazoo. And I was dumb enough to go back for seconds today. Maybe this time I'll get a walrus playing an oboe.
***
I swear that the alarm clock subjected me to a mariachi version of Laura Branigan's Self Control. Woke me up from a dream where I was watching newscopter coverage of a normal sized Tommy Chong fighting a 50 ft. woman in early 70's clothes.
October 5, 2015
One day, when I invent a sniper rifle that shoots venomous spiders, some people are going to have a bad time.
October 7, 2015
I sneezed so hard, it made me dizzy, and my balls felt funny.
October 15, 2015
I'm going to start carrying a balloon in my pocket. Whenever someone tells me something excruciatingly asinine, I'm going to pull it out, blow it up and hand it to them. Then I'm going to offer congratulations on that being the one millionth stupid fucking thing I've had to hear.
October 17, 2015
Have you ever wondered, when you write or say something, if you're the first person in human history to ever utter or write that statement?
Mortimer's story came to a justified and well deserved end, when his body was found eaten from the balls up by a flock of exceedingly carnivorous loons.
There. Pretty sure I'm calling first on that one.
October 20, 2015
I learned something cool tonight from the helpful infomercial guy. If I buy gold, my money would double if the price of gold doubles. I'm not sure how all the complicated maths work out, but it sounds good to me.
***
I still want to start a bakery/delivery service. You could order penis shaped bread, cookies, pastries, etc. and have them delivered to people. I'd call it Baggadix. Every delivery box or bag will say, "Eat a Baggadix."
October 24, 2015
My oldest son hates coleslaw about as much as I do. I said, "It's like being asked to choose between eating coleslaw and having a spider monkey screw you in the ear." He asked which one I'd choose. I said,"It depends on how attractive the monkey is."
October 31, 2015
After the (insert apocalypse here), I will have a throne made of SPAM cans. I will sit upon it, passing judgment on my enemies, stroking my platypus, Mr. Wiggles. They will all dance the chicken dance in the colosseum, and if they stop, they die. Only the last one standing will survive. And then I will announce that they've moved on to the semi-finals, and the Macarena music will start.
November 3, 2015
As I'm walking up to a machine to fix it, a woman sits down right in front of me. She looks at the 32" screen, which is blued out and says CALL ATTENDANT, and proceeds to try cramming her ticket into it. I'm standing right behind her for a full minute, watching her do this. She turns around and says,"It won't take my money." I pointed at the screen and said, "That's because it's not in service." Rather than play one of the 2 other machines that were working, she walked off. I found it ironic that it was a CLUE machine.
November 4, 2015
I need a vacation. Or more sleep. Or something. I caught myself meowing the Doctor Who theme to the cat.
November 5, 2015
Sneeze pissing is not as exciting as it sounds.
November 9, 2015
Sometimes, I think that some people are only part of the human race, because they won some sort of contest, or it was a hiring quota for humanity.
November 13, 2015
I swear, sometimes when I stop at McD's, all I want from them is to prove to me that the human race isn't devolving back into monkeys. But I'm pretty sure monkeys wouldn't have fucked up my order twice.
November 29, 2015
How much do I like driving to work in winter? It mouth fondles dead monkeys, that's how much.
December 1, 2015
Idea: Butt shaped raviolis called Rav-a-hole-is. Need to get Chef Boyardee on board.
December 3, 2015
Think I might finally get in on this holiday elf craze. Maybe take some elf on myself pics.
December 6, 2015
I was on the way to work, and a thought popped into my head. If ducks had propellers, they'd probably be more efficient in the air AND in the water.
December 8, 2015
Just when I'd been lulled into a false sense of security that I could live in a Peter Cetera free world, Chicago schedules a Winstar concert.
James Robinson: You do realize he is a man who will fight
for your honor? He'll be the hero you've been dreaming of.
Me: James, if you get that atrocity stuck in my head, I will
stab you in the dick with a rusty spork.
James Robinson: I just did it all for the glory of love.
December 13, 2015
I just got shit on. By a bird. In a parking lot at night.
December 20, 2015
I know they make 5 Hour Energy, but what I really need is 5 Hour Give a Shit.
December 27, 2015
I went back out to the floor after lunch, and I stopped at the pisser in front of the event center. I listened to Chicago as I was taking a leak, and I had a thought. There are many things I've always wanted to do with my life. Standing there, with my dick in my hand while Peter Cetera sings a live ballad, was definitely not one of them.
Me: I've been informed that Peter was not singing with them tonight. I thought he sounded off. On the plus side, I can stop fretting over having to pencil in that whole dick in my hand thing and then cross it off my bucket list.
***
I was doing something else, while infomercials were on in the background. Some chick started crying about how she needed to make a change. I heard my mouth say, "There's no crying in Zumba!"
I promptly slapped the shit out of myself.
December 28, 2015
I saw a holiday commercial for Flex Seal last night. Apparently, it's the perfect holiday gift. Fair notice, if you ever buy me rubber in a can as a Christmas gift, you're getting punched in the dick and/or cootch.
Larry Jacobs: What if it's bought online and sent to you??
Will you punch the delivery person?
Me: Yes. I shoot the messenger, and I hunt down the person
Me: Yes. I shoot the messenger, and I hunt down the person
responsible. After I punch everyone in the warehouse in their
collective genitalia.
***
Well, there you have it. Only 12 more months till it’s 6 months late again. Unless I’ve decided to join a desert commune and sell unhygienic anal bead necklaces to unsuspecting tourists by then. Don’t bother hanging around for the credits. Inserting a surprise 2 minute manscaping video was too much trouble.
***
Well, there you have it. Only 12 more months till it’s 6 months late again. Unless I’ve decided to join a desert commune and sell unhygienic anal bead necklaces to unsuspecting tourists by then. Don’t bother hanging around for the credits. Inserting a surprise 2 minute manscaping video was too much trouble.
