So. I bought a little product I'd seen on television. It's one of those toe flex things that's supposed to stretch and exercise your feet. Helps straighten crooked toes. Since I inherited a crooked toe (right next to my pinkie toe) from my father's side of the family, I decided I'd drop a few bucks and try it.
The product itself is simple. You put your toes in it. It's made up of some flexible, silicon looking foam stuff. I'm not sure what it's made of, but it's a lovely sky blue color.
Anywho, there was a small instructional advice pamphlet folded up inside the box. I glanced at it before throwing the packaging away, and what I saw made me weep for the human race.
I present these to you, the first 3 bullet points under the title CAUTION:
* For intended use only
* Do not put shoes on over FLEX-TASTIC, injury may result.
* Do not attempt walking or driving in FLEX-TASTIC. Injury may result. Avoid use on irritated, inflamed or infected skin, or on open wounds. Irritation may result.
So far, so good, right? Nothing much to see here, right?
I give you bullet point numero cuatro:
* DO NOT EAT FLEX-TASTIC. CHOKING OR HEALTH PROBLEMS MAY RESULT.
You read that right, boys and girls. I shit you not. As true as a nun in a chastity belt.
So, my next question is, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Seriously? This was necessary why? Is it a cautionary tale? Did someone actually take a silicony, foam rubbery fucking foot device and try chowing down on it? Choking or health problems may result?! You fucking think so? I'd say you've already got bigger goddamn problems than that, if you're trying to eat something you wear on your feet. Somebody must have, because I sure as shit don't see a similar warning on blenders, or socks, or even crayons.
Have we truly been reduced to this level of absurdity? Is this shit really necessary? The most inane of directions on the most asinine and simplistic of products, because some lonely douchebag looking for a good time takes the belt off a sander and electrocutes himself, after he decides to insert his wangdoodle? True story, that. Directions on toothpicks? Re-goddamn-diculous.
I've often said that you can tell when a civilization has started it's decline, just by watching for the appearance of instructions on shit like shampoo bottles. If you can't figure out how to get shampoo out of a bottle and use it on your head, then you're probably a lemur, a scientologist, or a candidate for retroactive abortion.
A wise man once said, "Take the safety labels off everything, and let natural selection take its course."
Sounds good to me. How soon can we start?
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