I just saw my recluse of a neighbor walking across his property. It's below freezing. He had a chicken following along behind him like a puppy dog. He's an odd one, and coming from me, that's saying something. (Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:13:10 GMT)
My wife isn't very tall. Which tempts me to make short jokes. Which isn't always in my best interest. Like the time I held my hand above her head and said, "Sorry, you must be this tall to be taken seriously." (Tue, 07 Dec 2010 19:53:12 GMT)
I got up, and in a fog, I reached for the pump and almost put soap on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. I don't know whether to be upset that my mind isn't functioning on autopilot properly, or be glad I don't have hemorrhoid cream laying around. (Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:15:41 GMT)
Mmm....sweet, sweet schadenfreude. Sometimes I like to just lie back and bask in the mellow glow of karma being a bitch to some people. (Fri, 03 Dec 2010 13:37:25 GMT)
You know you're getting older when you have to stop and think before you do something stupid and wonder how long it might take you to recover from it. (Thu, 02 Dec 2010 04:48:48 GMT)
I think they should combine Hoarders with Intervention and call it "Grow Up, Suck it Up, Stop Being a Dumbass." That or "Who Wants to be Committed?" I also still think that "I Shouldn't be Alive" should be called "Too Fucking Stupid to Live" or "Darwin's Pride." (Tue, 30 Nov 2010 05:02:05 GMT)
I'm pretty sure my emergency backup cat has a constant circus music soundtrack playing in his head. I imagine that every once in a while an Emergency Broadcast Message breaks in, and he is told to eat some food, take a crap, etc., then he is returned to his regularly scheduled theme music. (Tue, 30 Nov 2010 02:17:12 GMT)
Today we celebrate Thanksgiving... the day that Benjamin Franklin rode a giant turkey up out of the ocean, destroying the native resistance, and thereby allowing white Europeans to bring television to North America. (Thu, 25 Nov 2010 19:32:47 GMT)
I just ate an entire can of SPAM with Bacon. And I'd do it again. (Wed, 17 Nov 2010 03:36:48 GMT)
Vince Neil on Skating with the Stars? Seriously? Why not just blend my high school memories into a Metamucil shake and then crap all over the 80's?(Tue, 16 Nov 2010 05:49:13 GMT)
My emergency backup cat is odd. He's a good cat, but he's got the sense God gave a box of ceramic frogs. I've had him for 4 or 5 years now. Recently he's started going into the litter box, but his ass hangs out and he craps on the floor right in front of it. He's also started this thing where he likes to sleep on top of tiny boxes about half his size, like shoe boxes. (Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:58:42 GMT)
KEVIN'S INVENTORY
-----------------------
FUCKS: 0
(You have none of these to give.) (Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:40:10 GMT)
So, I go to the chinese restaurant, I open my fortune cookie. My fortune is now in English and Spanish. Kind of like half the stuff at Wal-Mart now.(Sun, 31 Oct 2010 21:26:07 GMT)
One of those days. The idiots were running like grunion today. (Wed, 22 Sep 2010 06:16:53 GMT)
Dear Justin Bieber, Please crawl back under your rock. Thank you. (Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:08:01 GMT)
I wrapped up my karaoke set tonight with La Bamba and the Carlton dance. (Sat, 04 Sep 2010 10:35:07 GMT)
Kelly went for a mammogram this morning. When she came out, I asked her if she had them balanced and aligned. (Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:02:18 GMT)
We were leaving the lake earlier, and my youngest son says, "Have you ever seen a baby do karate? That would be awesome." I guess he inherited my totally random thought gene. (Sun, 08 Aug 2010 02:23:58 GMT)
Good news! They finally settled on a pair of directors for the LEGOs movie! We've officially hit the bottom of the Hollywood barrel. Wait, I really shouldn't say that. We'll wind up with a Stratego or Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. I already read somewhere that there's something in development based on Rock'em Sock'em Robots. (Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:32:20 GMT)
We were watching the fireworks, and my youngest son asked me how they make them look like 4 leaf clovers. I said, "Leprechauns working in Asian sweatshops." (Sun, 04 Jul 2010 07:27:49 GMT)
May you all see the fnords, and avoid being overrun by them. Gesundheit and goodnight. (Tue, 29 Jun 2010 04:29:41 GMT)
I fell asleep with the TV on. I dreamed I was hanging out with Mr. T, but he was a midget. For some reason, I had a bad jaw tooth. Mr. T noticed, and said, "YOU GOTTA BAD TOOTH, FOOL!" He gave me dental advice, and the name of a good dentist. All in typical A Team character. I'm making sure the TV is off tonight. (Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:12:14 GMT)
So, I ate before bed again. I had a dream I was trampoline training to be an 8th degree trampoline blackbelt in the trampoline police. I either need serious psychiatric help, or I need to stop eating pepperoni pizza before I go to sleep. (Sun, 13 Jun 2010 16:33:08 GMT)
Was listening to With or Without You by U2. The wife says, "That's a hard place to be." So I said, "It's like women. Can't live with 'em, can't choke 'em." She says, "What about men? They're just as bad!" I said, "Nope. We're pigs. It'd be animal cruelty." (Sun, 13 Jun 2010 02:24:09 GMT)
I don't know what weird crap i was dreaming about, but when I woke up, I had a thought. Martin Lawrence should do a rap cover album of Led Zeppelin tunes and call it '"What the Problem Is, And What Should Never Be." (Fri, 11 Jun 2010 03:33:42 GMT)
Kim Kardashian as the new Lara Croft? Who smoked a whole bag of crack? Worst idea ever. (Wed, 09 Jun 2010 05:46:26 GMT)
Man, oh man. I've got the stomach bug. My stomach is rumbling something horrible, and I've got to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes. It sounds like two elephants arguing in morse code. Anyone else suffering with this? How long does it last? (Mon, 31 May 2010 10:55:40 GMT)
I swear to God the spiders are out to get me. I've caught 4 of them crawling on me in the last 3 days. I find this incredibly icky. I shot the last one off my leg and across the yard with a high velocity water hose, but it's only a matter of time before they try again. (Sat, 29 May 2010 08:13:19 GMT)
I had to mail my reimbursement paperwork for my school program today, and I stopped at the little postal substation in the Christian book store. I didn't realize at first why I got a bit of a standoffish 'tude from the clerk. Then I remembered I was wearing my "Doesn't Play Well with Others" t-shirt, and it has a little devil punching a guy out on it. (Tue, 04 May 2010 21:28:51 GMT)
I just caught myself meowing at the cat, but I realized it wasn't the meow mix theme. It was the theme from that old show, The Banana Splits, and I have no idea why. (Thu, 29 Apr 2010 09:58:50 GMT)
Dear Dickhead, How about you put down the fucking phone and drive? Sincerely, The Rest of the World (Wed, 28 Apr 2010 20:55:36 GMT)
I am Jack's infinite boredom. (Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:38:39 GMT)
I was driving home today. On the way out of town, I saw an Amish woman riding a bicycle. She was wearing a long dress, bonnet, and one of those orange day-glo safety vests. She looked like a 17th century crossing guard riding a bike. (Fri, 23 Apr 2010 01:09:00 GMT)
Invention idea: Underwear with pockets in the back so you can put in air freshener filters that make your farts smell nice. Like oranges, or lilacs and shit. (Sat, 17 Apr 2010 18:51:48 GMT)
If I ever win the lottery, there's a few things I want to do. I'd pay good money to hear Samuel L. Jackson read Dr. Seuss. "I WOULD NOT EAT THEM IN A BOX, I WOULD NOT EAT THEM WITH A FU**ING FOX, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM, I WILL NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND MOTHERFU**ING HAM!" (Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:01:08 GMT)
Could someone please put Owl City and Ke$ha's yodeling ass on a short bus trip over a tall cliff? (Fri, 05 Mar 2010 22:22:55 GMT)
Ever have one of those days where you just wanna run up behind some annoying bastard, and kick them in the anus with a sharp-toed boot? (Fri, 26 Feb 2010 23:53:45 GMT)
I think Wal-Mart researched RFID tag technology for sinister reasons. I don't thing it had anything to do with inventory. I think they're using the technology to hypnotize and draw stupid people into their sphere of influence. Not that it's not amusing, but surviving the parking lot traffic is a bit daunting.(Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:29:36 GMT)
Was going to go out and build a giant snow gnome by Kelly's car, but the snow's so dry, it doesn't even make decent snowballs. I had even planned to spray his hat with red Kool-Aid for authenticity. (Sat, 30 Jan 2010 22:20:26 GMT)
Am I the only one that is completely underwhelmed by the iPad, especially after all the world changing hype and BS? I wonder if it comes with wings to keep it in place or if you stick it directly to the table? (Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:22:19 GMT)
Coffee makes my pee smell funny... Film @ 11. (Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:44:24 GMT)
In the quiet hours of the dark, I drift away and disconnect, released from the bonds & chains of daily concern, free to sail the greater sea, & anchor my mind in eternity, while the ticks and sighs & gentle breath of the night, surround me maternally in her womb. I soar & fight, in rage & flight, in open dreamscapes free, until the cat intervenes, with hacking yak or fart, shaking me from my blissful revelry. (Sat, 23 Jan 2010 08:08:50 GMT)
Lol, I licked a homeless guy in my car, because I'm sexy, and I do what I want. (Sat, 16 Jan 2010 01:21:39 GMT)
I ate before bed again. Always a bad idea. I had a dream that a person size psychotic rabbit was making me run next to a train, while he followed me in a pickup. And if I didn't stay ahead of it, he was going to run me in front of it. I can't wait until we can record dreams. I'm going to eat chili cheese burritos, go to sleep, and wake up a rich man. (Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:17:29 GMT)
I see them dangling from the back of pickups all the time, so I got an idea. Festive holiday scrotums you can hang on your tree, called Jingle Balls! (Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:36:21 GMT)
If you really want to stop global warming and curb greenhouse gases, tape Nancy Pelosi's mouth shut. (Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:56:24 GMT)
I was looking out the back window at the frozen scene of the pre-sunrise morning. The grass and trees glittering in a coat of ice crystals. Everything still and silent, nothing stirring. Except for my cat, who appears to be doing the same as me. Sitting there, majestic and regal, surveying the morning. But then I realize he's just taking a dump. (Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:25:35 GMT)
I was watching A Christmas Carol last night, and I couldn't help but think how funny it would be if you replaced Jacob Marley with Bob Marley. I kept picturing him wrapped in chains and bongs. (Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:49:50 GMT)
We were waiting for the play to start, and Kelly said that she thought everyone should get a little culture in them. I asked her if she was insinuating that I should use the Dickens out of my Longfellow. (Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:59:13 GMT)
My wife has requested that I remove the gnome picture before she returns from shopping, otherwise, she will kill me. I then wrote her a check before she left, and in the memo line, I wrote "Boom Chicka Wow Wow." (Sat, 05 Dec 2009 14:20:32 GMT)
People kept sending me those red gazing balls in Farmville. I used what I could and sold the rest. Now, they have new items. And now it seems like everybody that plays with me, wants to give me blue balls. (Fri, 04 Dec 2009 05:34:41 GMT)
Stupidity is the lube in my grip on sanity. (Thu, 03 Dec 2009 15:43:17 GMT)
I want to launch a franchise of hotdog and sausage restaurants, and I'm going to call it WeinerBunz. (Thu, 03 Dec 2009 04:50:33 GMT)
I walked into the kitchen a bit ago, and as I looked into the living room, I see my daughter lying on the couch, my 9 year old standing on her back. I asked them what the hell they were doing. He looked at me and said, all matter of fact, "Standing on her back." I shook my head and walked off. (Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:58:14 GMT)
We were checking out at Wal-Mart, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing at the guy in front of me. He was buying a huge jug of creatine bodybuilding powder and a pair of those squeezey hand exercisers. I could just picture him at home, downing his workout shake, laser focused, squeezing furiously, picturing the day his hands would be huge and ripped, and nobody would ever kick sand in his face again. (Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:48:31 GMT)
They make custom Christmas stockings at the mall. I wanted Kelly to buy me one that said, "From my foot to your ass, Merry Christmas." But she wouldn't. :( (Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:52:05 GMT)
For the love of God, stop playing Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus! WTF is wrong with this country that she shot to #1?! Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, seed of Billy Ray "Suck My Rank & Stanky Fart" Cyrus?! OMG, seriously? This kitzchy, auto-tuned to the point of absurdity, grade Z, PoS song? Lord, please make us more discriminating in our musical tastes, so the music industry will stop stabbing itself in the neck. Amen. (Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:07:47 GMT)
Today, I'm thankful for impulse control. If it didn't exist, the lady who decided pedestrians need to be run over on her hurried way to park 30 feet from where I had the right of way, the lady who took up both non handicapped spots with her Lincoln, and the asshat in the Avalanche who nearly got his front end cratered pulling into traffic the wrong way out of a one way drive, would be so many smears on the asphalt. (Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:32:29 GMT)
When I got up as a kid, my cereal went snap, crackle & pop. Now when I get up in the morning, I go snap, crackle & poop. (Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:52:29 GMT)
Today, I'm thinking numerous other people should be thankful that the law prevents me from visiting violence on their person, no matter how well deserved. (Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:38:02 GMT)
THIS JUST IN...ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE NOT WON THE POWERBALL LOTTERY... WE NOW RETURN YOU TO MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED LIFE OF YACHT NON-OWNERSHIP. (Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:20:31 GMT)
Kevin could use some high speed nether friction. (Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:43:18 GMT)
Mariah Carey should be sentenced to a small A cup for the travesty that is her cover of I Want To Know What Love Is. Hell, I'll settle for duct tape or a ball gag. (Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:21:16 GMT)
I wish I'd hurry up and win the lottery, so I could hire a contingent of Secret Service-esque midgets to protect me. (Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:10:18 GMT)
My 9 year old just wandered through and stated, "I think I need to lay off the sugar." (Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:23:44 GMT)
It appears my nipples were right. The beard is underway, and none too soon. It's supposed to be down to freezing Saturday night. Doubt not the nipples. (Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:28:19 GMT)
Based on my nipples, it's beard growing weather. (Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:35:40 GMT)
Facebook needs to motorboat my balls. this is ridiculous. (Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:15:07 GMT)
I woke up this morning, and as I made my way to the bathroom, I caugh myself singing Rhinestone Cowboy, by Glen Campbell. I caught myself singing it again, later, while I was in the shower. No, I don't know why. (Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:09:58 GMT)
Why is it, one minute your colon is screaming that you have to drop the kids off at the pool RIGHT NOW, and the next, you find yourself squinting and straining like Popeye trying to set a new deadlift record? (Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:16:02 GMT)
If the economy gets any worse, I may have to take a job as a mule. If you see me smuggling out of state grapes into California, 2 at a time in a zebra striped speedo, try not to think any less of me. If that's even possible. (Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:50:24 GMT)
I get out of the shower, I get dressed, I get a bowl of salad, shake the dressing, the cap flips open, and covers the counter, my torso, and my hair with buttermilk ranch. (Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:10:02 GMT)
The distillery tour was pretty good. The best part was our tour guide, Lia. Before the tour, she joked around, asking if Charles was sure he was 21. Then she said, "I don't give a shit, this is Kentucky. If your old enough to crawl, you're old enough to drink." Gets my vote for coolest tour guide ever. (Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:53:30 GMT)
Lol, just caught my 9 year old totally jamming out to Turn Up the Radio by Autograph. (Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:40:31 GMT)
So, I'm standing at the customer service desk at the grocery store, and I see one of those donation jars. I always read them, and I usually pitch some spare change in, but this was ridiculous. It was to help out a college student who, after paying for their own classes and books, couldn't afford to fix their car. They needed donations to cover the $350.00 to fix their harmonic balancer. Give me a fucking break. (Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:36:07 GMT)
When I win the lottery, I'm going to adapt Hudson Hawk as a Broadway musical. (Fri, 21 Aug 2009 06:12:44 GMT)
Not for the first time, I wish I had small devil horns growing out of my forehead. It's an aesthetic thing. (Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:51:13 GMT)
Going to my wife's company picnic. Where I used to work and told them to fuck off. My old boss, who I compared to a weeblewobble will be in the dunking booth. She doesn't want me to embarrass her. What fresh hell is this? (Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:25:22 GMT)
Maybe I should bill myself as the world's tallest midget, and I'll take the act on the road. (Mon, 10 Aug 2009 01:29:49 GMT)
I'm pretty sure Perez Hilton could fall into a piranha tank, and I would feel bad for the piranhas' gastrointestinal distress. (Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:26:08 GMT)
As I fed my cats, I found myself referring to them as Cats of Food Possession +3. I had one of those moments of clarity, where I realized that some facets of my personality are mired in the inky blackness of uber-dorkdom. If you don't understand why, then give yourself a pat on the back. (Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:37:51 GMT)
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