Brain Farts

(Another from 2009, on a night I found it hard to sleep.)

***

So, I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and I just let my brain go wherever it wanted.

I started out wondering who played the prisoner in The Green Mile, because I knew it wasn't Ving, and I didn't think it was Tiny Lister, and I couldn't remember the other guy's name, my internet was down, and it was driving me crazy.

Then I started to wonder how dangerous cats would be with opposable thumbs. A whole lot more dangerous, I would think. Then I pictured a scenario where someone invented mechanical thumbs for cats, and I'd start to suspect something was up, because I'd catch my cat walking around on stilts. Then I'd look out the window, and my cat would be using her new mechanical thumbs and stilt skills to drive my car, and she'd promptly put it in reverse and back right into the ditch, because everyone knows cat's can't drive.

Then I couldn't remember what the blue care bear was called. I have no f'ing idea why I even wondered about it, except they were mentioned in some Cracked article, or something. So far, I've refused to look it up, but the not knowing is gnawing at me.

Then I decided I should do a target experiment with a canola oil and sand mixture, to see what the shear thickening properties would be, and how high grained a round it would stop, if any, and if it would be worth putting it in bladders, which could be fitted to a homemade ballistic vest.

Then I wondered if everyone has this kind of random, chaotic, batshit crazy kind of brainstorming session in their quiet hours, or if it's just me.

Amish Stalker

(This related an incident that occurred back in March of 2009)

***

OK, so maybe he's a Mennonite, but same beard and hat. He's driving a Dodge Ram and pulling a horse trailer. As I follow along behind, I notice that his right rear trailer tire is wobbling a good bit. As I watch, large chunks of rubber start to hurtle toward me at high velocity, pelting my windshield and grill, forcing me to back off. His tire starts to smoke, the tread comes flying off, and over the course of the next few miles, he loses all the remaining rubber. He is now running on rim, and I'm trying hard to get his attention. I flash my lights repeatedly, pull up alongside him, make circular motions, point at his trailer, mouth repeatedly that his tire has shuffled off the mortal coil, and he smiles at me like some goofy halfwit, waves mightily, and looks back ahead. I finally pass him and pull over. He thunders on by as I motion at him.

How the hell do you not realize you're driving on rim?

I take off again, start flashing him again, get pelted by crap kicked up from the side of the road as the trailer veers back and forth. I pull up next to him, try telling him again, because I figure he will soon bite into pavement and flip the trailer and maybe the truck. Now he just smiles and waves at the crazy man making monkey antics, looking for all the world like he's trying to figure out what to do about the lunatic following him. I'm forced to back off, because I'm in a no passing zone, and there's oncoming traffic.

At this point, I imagine he reaches for his cell phone, realizes his choice of ideology has gutted his options in a road crazy/rob/steal/cannibal murder situation, and hopes desperately that I'll go away.  He veers off the highway onto a side road at about 50 mph, and I decide to say the hell with it. I continue home, deciding that he'll figure it out when he wrecks.

You try to do something nice for someone, and all it gets you is a surreal afternoon and the delight of knowing that all you achieved for your efforts was a soiled pair of handcrafted Amish (Mennonite, for you purists) undergarments.

Night of the Weasels

For my new friends who might want to peruse some of my musings, I'll be reposting some of writings here on the blog, making it easier to view.

Back in 2010, I had to write a spontaneous story for a creative writing exercise in English Comp I, and I wrote about it on my Facebook page. This is what came out. Enjoy.

***

Today we had to do a spontaneous writing exercise in English. As we wrote, she gave us things to put into the story and write around, like keys, water, a cup or mug of some kind, and a house. We had to integrate all these things on the fly, and then she told us how each was symbolic of our current life situation, our view of love, knowledge, the afterlife, etc.

I asked her if she was sure about that, because mine involved weasels, pigs and bacon.

For your reading pleasure:

Night of the Weasels

It was humid. I was crouched behind the water trough, fighting the hordes of midsummer mosquitoes that were clamoring for my blood. I tried to quiet my breathing, which wasn't hard, considering the smell of mud, manure and mold.

At least I had my thermos, which was still roughly half full of cider. I felt the burn cross my lips and spread like fire down my throat. After peering over the trough again, just to verify I wasn't crazy, I took another long drink.

The water of the trough rippled in the breeze, filling my nostrils with the scent of wet metal and mildew. My legs were starting to go numb from crouching in the mud next to the fence. My car keys were in my front pocket, slowly digging into my thigh.

The weasels, decorated with what for all the world appeared to be warpaint, made their way beyond the farmhouse. They were rapidly closing on the barn and pigsties, and they appeared to be carrying rope and stakes. The small predators disappeared into the darkness of the pigpens. After perhaps a minute, during which I almost forgot to breathe again, wild hoots and hollers erupted from the pens, followed by terrified squealing. The weasels reappeared in the barnyard, dragging a trussed and horrified hog behind them.

For what seemed an eternity, I watched the weasels gather wood and build their bonfire. It was mesmerizing and surreal, and I questioned my mental health more than once. I pinched myself twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Once the fire was blazing, the pig was spitted and roasted alive, as the weasels danced wildly around in circles. For what seemed like hours longer, they danced with wild abandon under the moon, shaking fists full of bacon at the sky.

I was left to my own devices, cramped, more than slightly drunk and badly in need of therapy. Maybe they make a pill, because I don't think the cider is strong enough.

In the predawn hours, they doused the flames, and they scurried away as covertly as they had appeared.

How I Went Grocery Shopping and Almost Got Arrested

I'll just let you read the letter to their main customer service contact. It pretty much says it all:

Hello.

I'm not sure if this is the right point of contact, but I need to report an incident with the Save-A-Lot in XXXXXX, Kentucky, and inform you that I will NEVER, under ANY circumstance shop at that branch of Save-A-Lot again. I would rather drive twice the distance to the one in XXXXXX or XXXXXX than ever deal with that store again, and I've shopped there for 6 years, on a weekly basis.

The account below contains some harsh language, because, even though I started out very professional and polite, I took offense to the tone and attitude of the meat manager in that store. I didn't ask for another pack of meat, and I didn't ask for a refund, I just wanted to insure that, for whatever reason, I never bought another pack of meat like the one I was complaining about. I've bought meat for years. I've worked in grocery stores, and I know what meat looks like. It shouldn't look like a ball of nearly rotten, dark grey hamburger, with 1/2" of new meat packed around it like Play-Doh. That being said, here's what happened.

My wife and I went into the store early last week, and we bought a family pack of hamburger, about 3.6 lbs., because I was going to make hamburgers that night. I got home, and even though the outside meat was light pink and fresh looking, when I broke it open, it was dark, solid grey inside, and I could tell someone had packed the new meat around it.

The store is a 22 mile round trip for me, so I decided to wait until I had to go back to say something about it. I went into the store today, bought a few groceries, and after I paid for them, I asked the checkout girl who I might speak to about filing a complaint. She told me I could talk to the manager, I forget her name, and she called her on the intercom. I waited by the office, quietly, until she came up.

So, she asks if she can help me. I tell her I came in early last week, and I bought a family pack of hamburger meat, about 3.6lbs. When I broke it open, there was about 1/2" of new pink meat packed around a ball of dark, grey, almost rotten meat. I told her I had a hard time believing that was sanctioned, but I don't know why anyone would do it on their own, either. I told her I tried cooking it up anyway (I cooked it really well, just to be safe), but it didn't taste good, and I threw part of it out. I'm very calm and polite about this.

She tells me I should talk to the meat manager, so she goes in the back and gets him. He comes out and asks me what the problem is. I showed him what I bought, pointed out the family packs, and I told him the same thing I told her.

He tells me that he gets that all the time, and it's perfectly natural for meat to do that, because oxygen gets trapped inside, just like the underside of steak turn grey, and that it just happens, he get that all the time, especially when the packs are stacked like that, but it's nothing to be worried about. I tell him I'm not an idiot, and not to treat me like one. I tell him that meat doesn't stay pink to a uniform depth of 1/2", and turn dark, rotten grey on the inside from oxidation. At this point he tells me I can think what I want, he hears this all the time, and he tears open a cube steak to show me how it's a little grey on the inside. I tell him that's normal, but my meat was twice as dark as that, and I know what old hamburger meat looks like. He tells me if it happens again, I'm welcome to bring it back.

It's hard to convey this in print, but he gets a really condescending tone at this point, which really starts to aggravate me. I hate being talked to like an idiot, because I'm not. I've worked in retail for years, managed people myself, and at this point, I would have apologized, offered the customer some new meat, or asked them to bring in their receipt on their next trip, and we'd refund them for the inconvenience. Anything but talk to them like a child, and treat them with an attitude. I've shopped there for years, never complained about anything, and never asked for a refund.

At this point, he pretty much tells me I can think what I want, he couldn't care less, but he's worked at Kroger, IGA, and a lot of other stores, and he knows what he's talking about. I tell him not to talk to me like I'm an asshole. I tell him I've worked in grocery stores myself, bought hamburger meat for years, and it just doesn't happen. Not unless someone packs new meat around old hamburger. I tell him I'm not an idiot., I'm not stupid, and if it happens again, I'm calling the health department. He tells me to go right ahead and call the health department, if that'll make me feel better, he doesn't care what I do, and if I wasn't acting like an idiot and acting stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like one.

I get really irritated at this point. I ask him if he really just called me stupid? I tell him I've worked retail half my life, and I never worked anywhere that an employee could call a paying customer stupid and get away with it. That it was the worst customer service I'd ever seen. I ask him where his boss is, who his manager is, because I'm going to file a complaint against him. He tells me to go ahead, and I turn and the manager is pretending to look at the packaged meat section.

I ask her if she heard what he had just said, and I ask her if she's really going to stand there and let an employee call one of her paying customers stupid, after they'd already sold me bad meat. He says that I called him an asshole, so how can I complain about him calling me stupid? I told him, no, I said you were talking to ME like I'M an asshole, then you proceeded to call me an idiot and call me stupid. At this point she comes over and tells me she's going to have to ask me to leave, or she's calling the police. I look her in the eye, and I say really? I shop in here all the time, you sell me bad product, your employee calls me names, and you're going to call the cops on me? She says fine, she's calling the police.

So I tell her I'm leaving, but I'm calling their corporate office, and I'm reporting both of them. She asks me if I want the number, and I tell her yes, yes I do. We get to the office, and now she doesn't want to give it to me. She tells me I should come back tomorrow and talk to Tim, the store manager. I tell her I have never worked for any retail business where a customer can be treated the way they just treated me, that it's bad business, it's bad customer service, and as soon as I get home, I'm reporting them. She tells me fine, but the people that own the store only own about 6 stores total, so it's not like they're a chain or something. I tell her that's fine, give me the owner's number, and I'll call them. She tells me again, that it'd be best if I come back tomorrow, and I talk to Tim, because he's the store manager, she just works nights, but if I don't leave the store right now, she's going to call the police on me.

I took my groceries at that point, and I left the premises. I won't be back in that store, ever. And tomorrow, just as soon as I can get in touch with them, I'm filing a complaint with the local health department, the Better Business Bureau, and the local Chamber of Commerce.

What I would like to know is this: Is this type of behavior toward a customer with a valid complaint tolerated by Save-A-Lot policy in general? Is this sort of thing allowed to happen? I have never heard of a retail company that allows an employee to call a customer stupid or call them an idiot, then threatens to have them arrested for getting angry about it, and insisting something be done.

If this is allowed to stand, without some sort of disciplinary action and an apology to myself, I will never shop another Save-A-Lot store again. I'm sure Wal-Mart, IGA or Kroger would be more than happy to accept my business without calling me names and threatening to call law enforcement on me afterward.

Sincerely,

(Me)

(I don't hold out much hope of anything being done about it, but if I file enough complaints with people like the Health Dept. and BBB, maybe they'll think twice about pulling this crap with the meat and the shitty customer service next time.)

Brainfarts: A Facebook Retrospective

I couldn't get that stupid ass status collage app to work on Facebook, so I did the next best thing.

I offer unto thee this slightly neurotic, mildly psychotic cluster of fermented brainfarts for your reading pleasure. Bon Appetit.

I just saw my recluse of a neighbor walking across his property. It's below freezing. He had a chicken following along behind him like a puppy dog. He's an odd one, and coming from me, that's saying something. (Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:13:10 GMT)

My wife isn't very tall. Which tempts me to make short jokes. Which isn't always in my best interest. Like the time I held my hand above her head and said, "Sorry, you must be this tall to be taken seriously." (Tue, 07 Dec 2010 19:53:12 GMT)

I got up, and in a fog, I reached for the pump and almost put soap on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. I don't know whether to be upset that my mind isn't functioning on autopilot properly, or be glad I don't have hemorrhoid cream laying around. (Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:15:41 GMT)

Mmm....sweet, sweet schadenfreude. Sometimes I like to just lie back and bask in the mellow glow of karma being a bitch to some people. (Fri, 03 Dec 2010 13:37:25 GMT)

You know you're getting older when you have to stop and think before you do something stupid and wonder how long it might take you to recover from it. (Thu, 02 Dec 2010 04:48:48 GMT)

I think they should combine Hoarders with Intervention and call it "Grow Up, Suck it Up, Stop Being a Dumbass." That or "Who Wants to be Committed?" I also still think that "I Shouldn't be Alive" should be called "Too Fucking Stupid to Live" or "Darwin's Pride." (Tue, 30 Nov 2010 05:02:05 GMT)

I'm pretty sure my emergency backup cat has a constant circus music soundtrack playing in his head. I imagine that every once in a while an Emergency Broadcast Message breaks in, and he is told to eat some food, take a crap, etc., then he is returned to his regularly scheduled theme music. (Tue, 30 Nov 2010 02:17:12 GMT)

Today we celebrate Thanksgiving... the day that Benjamin Franklin rode a giant turkey up out of the ocean, destroying the native resistance, and thereby allowing white Europeans to bring television to North America. (Thu, 25 Nov 2010 19:32:47 GMT)

I just ate an entire can of SPAM with Bacon. And I'd do it again. (Wed, 17 Nov 2010 03:36:48 GMT)

Vince Neil on Skating with the Stars? Seriously? Why not just blend my high school memories into a Metamucil shake and then crap all over the 80's?(Tue, 16 Nov 2010 05:49:13 GMT)

My emergency backup cat is odd. He's a good cat, but he's got the sense God gave a box of ceramic frogs. I've had him for 4 or 5 years now. Recently he's started going into the litter box, but his ass hangs out and he craps on the floor right in front of it. He's also started this thing where he likes to sleep on top of tiny boxes about half his size, like shoe boxes. (Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:58:42 GMT)

KEVIN'S INVENTORY
-----------------------
FUCKS: 0
(You have none of these to give.) (Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:40:10 GMT)

So, I go to the chinese restaurant, I open my fortune cookie. My fortune is now in English and Spanish. Kind of like half the stuff at Wal-Mart now.(Sun, 31 Oct 2010 21:26:07 GMT)

One of those days. The idiots were running like grunion today. (Wed, 22 Sep 2010 06:16:53 GMT)

Dear Justin Bieber, Please crawl back under your rock. Thank you. (Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:08:01 GMT)

I wrapped up my karaoke set tonight with La Bamba and the Carlton dance. (Sat, 04 Sep 2010 10:35:07 GMT)

Kelly went for a mammogram this morning. When she came out, I asked her if she had them balanced and aligned. (Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:02:18 GMT)

We were leaving the lake earlier, and my youngest son says, "Have you ever seen a baby do karate? That would be awesome." I guess he inherited my totally random thought gene. (Sun, 08 Aug 2010 02:23:58 GMT)

Good news! They finally settled on a pair of directors for the LEGOs movie! We've officially hit the bottom of the Hollywood barrel. Wait, I really shouldn't say that. We'll wind up with a Stratego or Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. I already read somewhere that there's something in development based on Rock'em Sock'em Robots. (Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:32:20 GMT)

We were watching the fireworks, and my youngest son asked me how they make them look like 4 leaf clovers. I said, "Leprechauns working in Asian sweatshops." (Sun, 04 Jul 2010 07:27:49 GMT)

May you all see the fnords, and avoid being overrun by them. Gesundheit and goodnight. (Tue, 29 Jun 2010 04:29:41 GMT)

I fell asleep with the TV on. I dreamed I was hanging out with Mr. T, but he was a midget. For some reason, I had a bad jaw tooth. Mr. T noticed, and said, "YOU GOTTA BAD TOOTH, FOOL!" He gave me dental advice, and the name of a good dentist. All in typical A Team character. I'm making sure the TV is off tonight. (Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:12:14 GMT)

So, I ate before bed again. I had a dream I was trampoline training to be an 8th degree trampoline blackbelt in the trampoline police. I either need serious psychiatric help, or I need to stop eating pepperoni pizza before I go to sleep. (Sun, 13 Jun 2010 16:33:08 GMT)

Was listening to With or Without You by U2. The wife says, "That's a hard place to be." So I said, "It's like women. Can't live with 'em, can't choke 'em." She says, "What about men? They're just as bad!" I said, "Nope. We're pigs. It'd be animal cruelty." (Sun, 13 Jun 2010 02:24:09 GMT)

I don't know what weird crap i was dreaming about, but when I woke up, I had a thought. Martin Lawrence should do a rap cover album of Led Zeppelin tunes and call it '"What the Problem Is, And What Should Never Be." (Fri, 11 Jun 2010 03:33:42 GMT)

Kim Kardashian as the new Lara Croft? Who smoked a whole bag of crack? Worst idea ever. (Wed, 09 Jun 2010 05:46:26 GMT)

Man, oh man. I've got the stomach bug. My stomach is rumbling something horrible, and I've got to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes. It sounds like two elephants arguing in morse code. Anyone else suffering with this? How long does it last? (Mon, 31 May 2010 10:55:40 GMT)

I swear to God the spiders are out to get me. I've caught 4 of them crawling on me in the last 3 days. I find this incredibly icky. I shot the last one off my leg and across the yard with a high velocity water hose, but it's only a matter of time before they try again. (Sat, 29 May 2010 08:13:19 GMT)

I had to mail my reimbursement paperwork for my school program today, and I stopped at the little postal substation in the Christian book store. I didn't realize at first why I got a bit of a standoffish 'tude from the clerk. Then I remembered I was wearing my "Doesn't Play Well with Others" t-shirt, and it has a little devil punching a guy out on it. (Tue, 04 May 2010 21:28:51 GMT)

I just caught myself meowing at the cat, but I realized it wasn't the meow mix theme. It was the theme from that old show, The Banana Splits, and I have no idea why. (Thu, 29 Apr 2010 09:58:50 GMT)

Dear Dickhead, How about you put down the fucking phone and drive? Sincerely, The Rest of the World (Wed, 28 Apr 2010 20:55:36 GMT)

I am Jack's infinite boredom. (Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:38:39 GMT)

I was driving home today. On the way out of town, I saw an Amish woman riding a bicycle. She was wearing a long dress, bonnet, and one of those orange day-glo safety vests. She looked like a 17th century crossing guard riding a bike. (Fri, 23 Apr 2010 01:09:00 GMT)

Invention idea: Underwear with pockets in the back so you can put in air freshener filters that make your farts smell nice. Like oranges, or lilacs and shit. (Sat, 17 Apr 2010 18:51:48 GMT)

If I ever win the lottery, there's a few things I want to do. I'd pay good money to hear Samuel L. Jackson read Dr. Seuss. "I WOULD NOT EAT THEM IN A BOX, I WOULD NOT EAT THEM WITH A FU**ING FOX, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM, I WILL NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND MOTHERFU**ING HAM!" (Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:01:08 GMT)

Could someone please put Owl City and Ke$ha's yodeling ass on a short bus trip over a tall cliff? (Fri, 05 Mar 2010 22:22:55 GMT)

Ever have one of those days where you just wanna run up behind some annoying bastard, and kick them in the anus with a sharp-toed boot? (Fri, 26 Feb 2010 23:53:45 GMT)

I think Wal-Mart researched RFID tag technology for sinister reasons. I don't thing it had anything to do with inventory. I think they're using the technology to hypnotize and draw stupid people into their sphere of influence. Not that it's not amusing, but surviving the parking lot traffic is a bit daunting.(Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:29:36 GMT)

Was going to go out and build a giant snow gnome by Kelly's car, but the snow's so dry, it doesn't even make decent snowballs. I had even planned to spray his hat with red Kool-Aid for authenticity. (Sat, 30 Jan 2010 22:20:26 GMT)

Am I the only one that is completely underwhelmed by the iPad, especially after all the world changing hype and BS? I wonder if it comes with wings to keep it in place or if you stick it directly to the table? (Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:22:19 GMT)

Coffee makes my pee smell funny... Film @ 11. (Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:44:24 GMT)

In the quiet hours of the dark, I drift away and disconnect, released from the bonds & chains of daily concern, free to sail the greater sea, & anchor my mind in eternity, while the ticks and sighs & gentle breath of the night, surround me maternally in her womb. I soar & fight, in rage & flight, in open dreamscapes free, until the cat intervenes, with hacking yak or fart, shaking me from my blissful revelry. (Sat, 23 Jan 2010 08:08:50 GMT)

Lol, I licked a homeless guy in my car, because I'm sexy, and I do what I want. (Sat, 16 Jan 2010 01:21:39 GMT)

I ate before bed again. Always a bad idea. I had a dream that a person size psychotic rabbit was making me run next to a train, while he followed me in a pickup. And if I didn't stay ahead of it, he was going to run me in front of it. I can't wait until we can record dreams. I'm going to eat chili cheese burritos, go to sleep, and wake up a rich man. (Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:17:29 GMT)

I see them dangling from the back of pickups all the time, so I got an idea. Festive holiday scrotums you can hang on your tree, called Jingle Balls! (Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:36:21 GMT)

If you really want to stop global warming and curb greenhouse gases, tape Nancy Pelosi's mouth shut. (Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:56:24 GMT)

I was looking out the back window at the frozen scene of the pre-sunrise morning. The grass and trees glittering in a coat of ice crystals. Everything still and silent, nothing stirring. Except for my cat, who appears to be doing the same as me. Sitting there, majestic and regal, surveying the morning. But then I realize he's just taking a dump. (Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:25:35 GMT)

I was watching A Christmas Carol last night, and I couldn't help but think how funny it would be if you replaced Jacob Marley with Bob Marley. I kept picturing him wrapped in chains and bongs. (Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:49:50 GMT)

We were waiting for the play to start, and Kelly said that she thought everyone should get a little culture in them. I asked her if she was insinuating that I should use the Dickens out of my Longfellow. (Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:59:13 GMT)

My wife has requested that I remove the gnome picture before she returns from shopping, otherwise, she will kill me. I then wrote her a check before she left, and in the memo line, I wrote "Boom Chicka Wow Wow." (Sat, 05 Dec 2009 14:20:32 GMT)

People kept sending me those red gazing balls in Farmville. I used what I could and sold the rest. Now, they have new items. And now it seems like everybody that plays with me, wants to give me blue balls. (Fri, 04 Dec 2009 05:34:41 GMT)

Stupidity is the lube in my grip on sanity. (Thu, 03 Dec 2009 15:43:17 GMT)

I want to launch a franchise of hotdog and sausage restaurants, and I'm going to call it WeinerBunz. (Thu, 03 Dec 2009 04:50:33 GMT)

I walked into the kitchen a bit ago, and as I looked into the living room, I see my daughter lying on the couch, my 9 year old standing on her back. I asked them what the hell they were doing. He looked at me and said, all matter of fact, "Standing on her back." I shook my head and walked off. (Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:58:14 GMT)

We were checking out at Wal-Mart, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing at the guy in front of me. He was buying a huge jug of creatine bodybuilding powder and a pair of those squeezey hand exercisers. I could just picture him at home, downing his workout shake, laser focused, squeezing furiously, picturing the day his hands would be huge and ripped, and nobody would ever kick sand in his face again. (Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:48:31 GMT)

They make custom Christmas stockings at the mall. I wanted Kelly to buy me one that said, "From my foot to your ass, Merry Christmas." But she wouldn't. :( (Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:52:05 GMT)

For the love of God, stop playing Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus! WTF is wrong with this country that she shot to #1?! Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, seed of Billy Ray "Suck My Rank & Stanky Fart" Cyrus?! OMG, seriously? This kitzchy, auto-tuned to the point of absurdity, grade Z, PoS song? Lord, please make us more discriminating in our musical tastes, so the music industry will stop stabbing itself in the neck. Amen. (Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:07:47 GMT)

Today, I'm thankful for impulse control. If it didn't exist, the lady who decided pedestrians need to be run over on her hurried way to park 30 feet from where I had the right of way, the lady who took up both non handicapped spots with her Lincoln, and the asshat in the Avalanche who nearly got his front end cratered pulling into traffic the wrong way out of a one way drive, would be so many smears on the asphalt. (Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:32:29 GMT)

When I got up as a kid, my cereal went snap, crackle & pop. Now when I get up in the morning, I go snap, crackle & poop. (Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:52:29 GMT)

Today, I'm thinking numerous other people should be thankful that the law prevents me from visiting violence on their person, no matter how well deserved. (Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:38:02 GMT)

THIS JUST IN...ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE NOT WON THE POWERBALL LOTTERY... WE NOW RETURN YOU TO MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED LIFE OF YACHT NON-OWNERSHIP. (Thu, 12 Nov 2009 04:20:31 GMT)

Kevin could use some high speed nether friction. (Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:43:18 GMT)

Mariah Carey should be sentenced to a small A cup for the travesty that is her cover of I Want To Know What Love Is. Hell, I'll settle for duct tape or a ball gag. (Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:21:16 GMT)

I wish I'd hurry up and win the lottery, so I could hire a contingent of Secret Service-esque midgets to protect me. (Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:10:18 GMT)

My 9 year old just wandered through and stated, "I think I need to lay off the sugar." (Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:23:44 GMT)

It appears my nipples were right. The beard is underway, and none too soon. It's supposed to be down to freezing Saturday night. Doubt not the nipples. (Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:28:19 GMT)

Based on my nipples, it's beard growing weather. (Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:35:40 GMT)

Facebook needs to motorboat my balls. this is ridiculous. (Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:15:07 GMT)

I woke up this morning, and as I made my way to the bathroom, I caugh myself singing Rhinestone Cowboy, by Glen Campbell. I caught myself singing it again, later, while I was in the shower. No, I don't know why. (Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:09:58 GMT)

Why is it, one minute your colon is screaming that you have to drop the kids off at the pool RIGHT NOW, and the next, you find yourself squinting and straining like Popeye trying to set a new deadlift record? (Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:16:02 GMT)

If the economy gets any worse, I may have to take a job as a mule. If you see me smuggling out of state grapes into California, 2 at a time in a zebra striped speedo, try not to think any less of me. If that's even possible. (Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:50:24 GMT)

I get out of the shower, I get dressed, I get a bowl of salad, shake the dressing, the cap flips open, and covers the counter, my torso, and my hair with buttermilk ranch. (Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:10:02 GMT)

The distillery tour was pretty good. The best part was our tour guide, Lia. Before the tour, she joked around, asking if Charles was sure he was 21. Then she said, "I don't give a shit, this is Kentucky. If your old enough to crawl, you're old enough to drink." Gets my vote for coolest tour guide ever. (Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:53:30 GMT)

Lol, just caught my 9 year old totally jamming out to Turn Up the Radio by Autograph. (Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:40:31 GMT)

So, I'm standing at the customer service desk at the grocery store, and I see one of those donation jars. I always read them, and I usually pitch some spare change in, but this was ridiculous. It was to help out a college student who, after paying for their own classes and books, couldn't afford to fix their car. They needed donations to cover the $350.00 to fix their harmonic balancer. Give me a fucking break. (Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:36:07 GMT)

When I win the lottery, I'm going to adapt Hudson Hawk as a Broadway musical. (Fri, 21 Aug 2009 06:12:44 GMT)

Not for the first time, I wish I had small devil horns growing out of my forehead. It's an aesthetic thing. (Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:51:13 GMT)

Going to my wife's company picnic. Where I used to work and told them to fuck off. My old boss, who I compared to a weeblewobble will be in the dunking booth. She doesn't want me to embarrass her. What fresh hell is this? (Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:25:22 GMT)

Maybe I should bill myself as the world's tallest midget, and I'll take the act on the road. (Mon, 10 Aug 2009 01:29:49 GMT)

I'm pretty sure Perez Hilton could fall into a piranha tank, and I would feel bad for the piranhas' gastrointestinal distress. (Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:26:08 GMT)

As I fed my cats, I found myself referring to them as Cats of Food Possession +3. I had one of those moments of clarity, where I realized that some facets of my personality are mired in the inky blackness of uber-dorkdom. If you don't understand why, then give yourself a pat on the back. (Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:37:51 GMT)

I FUCKING HATE DEBT COLLECTORS.

So, when I had to go to the ER back the end of March, I incurred about $700+ dollars in medical bills. I have other bills from the same time period, and from a couple of months later, when I had to get an MRI, see a neurologist, etc.

My insurance company tried to dick their way out of paying the hospital and doctors, saying it was a possible pre-existing condition, even though I'd never been treated for it before. It took months of fighting with them, getting the doctors to send them paperwork, and being a general asshole on my part, to finally get them to pay what they were supposed to. Then I got laid off.

It took me until almost October to get my COBRA setup and my premiums back paid. I'm making $616 a month on unemployment, paid every 2 weeks. I don't have a lot of cheddar to work with right now, and if it wasn't for the government subsidies, I wouldn't even have insurance.

So, I started paying on the remaining $200 balance at the hospital last month. I was going to make another payment tomorrow. Then I got a bill for a debt collector for the account.

I called them about it. They're called Credit $olutions. Their tagline is Bringing Dignity to Collections. So, I already know they're completely full of shit.

I talk to a woman on their end, and I ask her what the hell is going on, because I'm making payments on this debt. "What did you say?" she says. So, I repeat myself, "I said, what the hell is going on with this, because I just paid them a partial payment last month, and now I'm getting letters from you guys, and it doesn't even show the amount I've paid." I'm informed that I must have more than one account, or they would have told them about the payments. I told her that I should only have one account that I'm aware of, and it would have to be a duplicate, because they're for the same amount, and I ask if she's sure I have another account, or if she's just speculating and making shit up. She admits that she has no idea whether I have another account or not. So I tell her thanks for all the help, and I go to town to talk to the billing department at the hospital.

The hospital informs me that they apparently referred me to collection before the payment was processed. And she asks me about my insurance. I tell her that it was in limbo hell for months, because my insurance company was being a bunch of douchebags, then I got laid off and had to deal with setting up COBRA, but they should have finally paid them what they owed them. She looks it up and says that they did pay them, and that the balance was now $180 with the payment I'd made. She also said that I had no other account, and the debt letter didn't have their account number on it. That the account number they had listed was not one of theirs, so it had to be their number. "Nay," said I, "this is their account number, I don't know what the hell this is." So she tells me that there's really nothing that she can do, now that they've forwarded the account. I was going to make another payment, but she can't take my payments anymore. She tells me I'll have to call the collection agency and tell them I'm making payments on it, because that's all I can afford right now. "Yeah," I said, "because collection agencies are known for their sympathetic ear." She tells me she'll forward the payment information for last month to them, so they show I've paid it.

I then return home, and I call the collection agency again. I relay all of this to the people who Bring Dignity to Collections. They tell me that they have a more structured method of payment than the hospital. They require a credit or debit card on file.

So, I tell her that I'm not about to put my debit card on file. I also inform her that I'd be happy to make a payment by check, money order or one time debit payment, but I'm not signing up for recurring payment. She informs me that I've got no other choice, that's the only way they take payments. I relate to her again that I only get $600 a month right now, and between my insurance, medical bills and everything else I have to pay, I may only have $8 in the bank at any time, and I only get paid twice a month, and I'm never sure what day the check's going to come, so I'm not doing it. I'm not going to have them overdraft my account, cost me fees, and have to pay even more money I can't afford right now.

She tells me she understands, because many, many clients are in the same boat I'm in, but that's the only way she can take a payment. But, my payment for November now shows in her computer.

I again tell her I'll be happy to make a payment by check, money order or one time debit payment. She again tells me that the only way they'll take a payment, is if I put my debit card on file, because they can't trust clients to make payments.

This is the point where I tell her she can either take the payment I'm willing to make, or she can get bent, and not get paid at all.

"Oh, it's Casey County Hospital that won't get paid," she says, "I'll get my money."

"No, no you won't."

"Yes, we will, we'll get paid anyway."

"Uh, no, you won't, because I'll close my damn bank account, and then I'll send you a check or money order, and you can choose to cash it or not, I don't really care, because it'll show my intent to pay, and if you don't want to take my money, you don't get jack shit. I'm not dumb enough to give you permission to charge my debit card whenever you feel like it. I've been burned before. How the fuck do I know you're not just going to jerk $180.00 out of my account?"

Now, she decides that she's going to be nice and diplomatic again. And inform me of another payment option.

"Well, if you're worried about that, then you can go to Wal-Mart. They sell those green dot Visas, and you can use that for a recurring payment. Just put your payment on it every month. We can't take more off of it than you put on it."

It's nice to know that the people who bring dignity to collections don't like to advertise this fact. And that I have to do something of this nature, because I have to worry that they might try to juice me for more than I want them to.

I tell her that I already have one, and I'm willing to do that, even though they charge me fees to put money on it, because otherwise, she's shit out of luck. But she won't be getting a payment today. She's going to have to wait until I go back to Wal-Mart, which may be a few days. I also tell her I'll call her back when I have a chance to do it and get back to her, which still irritates me, because they never should have gotten my account to begin with.

So, now, instead of just mailing in my payment or stopping by the hospital, I have to go to fucking Wal-Mart and pay a fee to put my $20 payment on the card every month. Because I know, as God as my witness, that if I don't, the ghouls will just suck all their money out of my bank account, and then I'll have to check Consumer Reports for which hammer has the least amount of murderous recoil. I don't think a No. 2 pencil would be sufficient for the job.

Monday Sux, And Amongst Other Things, They Terminated My Health Insurance Rant

Late October, they told us we were eligible for the TRA program, and extended benefits, schooling, etc. They also gave us paperwork for the Bridge Grant program, telling us that we would only have to pay a 20% COBRA subsidy, instead of the 35% temporary ARRA subsidy. We would need to fill out the Bridge Grant form and send our payments to the Kentucky State Dept. of the Treasury, until we got our HCTC paperwork, and started making payments to the feds.

I got the rep, Kim, at the unemployment office to help me figure out exactly what needed to be sent in, and I figured my payment amount. I have to pay full vision and dental, plus 20% of the medical, instead of 35% of the full amount, but it lasts until I'm off TRA, and it's about $40 cheaper per month. I mailed the paperwork and a check for my subsidy to them on the 12th of November. They stamped it for deposit on the 19th.

All jolly, right? Wrong.

I still haven't received an invoice for December, they didn't actually cash the check until the 2nd of December, and I finally got my HCTC paperwork on Saturday. According to the booklet, I can't get the 20% if I'm already getting the ARRA subsidy of 35%. So now, I'm all kinds of pissed off. I read through the other stuff today, and their eligibility questions are boned. Maybe intentionally, so people read that first page, don't go any further, and the government gets off the hook for any number of eligible people. I think they do this shit on purpose to avoid paying it. What the other booklet says, it that you can't be in both. You have to opt out of ARRA and into the HCTC subsidy. Well, no shit. That's a lot different than telling you on page one that you can't get it at all if you've been paying 35% to ARRA. To top it off, my insurance company is passing the buck on the payment processing to a new company in January, the new COBRA rates for January 1 are about $40 dollars higher, and I don't have a full COBRA rate invoice to send HCTC, because, even though I'm opting out of ARRA for HCTC, my invoices all show the 35% subsidy rate. I don't get a new invoice for the new rates, for the new company, until around December 24th, the day before Christmas, so who the hell knows when I'll actually see it. With holiday mail, it sometimes takes 2 weeks for first class around here. In the interim, I was just going to send another payment to the state, but have no invoice, so Kim gave me another calculation sheet to send it with it, so I'm not just posting a damn check by itself, and sending it into state government lala land.

So, now, I'm even more fucking confused. I try to call Kim, but the first 3 times I call the employment office, their system tells me that everyone's too goddamn busy to answer the phone, and I should call back later. 12 or more reps in the office, and nobody can answer the fucking phone. I call back, get a directory option, try to leave a message for Kim, but it doesn't give me voice mail, no, it bumps me back to the main queue, so they can inform me that they are too busy, and would you please call back later. I feel like a dog chasing some other mutt's tail, because he's too busy to chase his own ass in circles.

When I finally got a real person on the line, they told me Kim was out, but she should be back tomorrow. Which is a pain in the ass, because, of all the people that work there, Kim is the only one that knows anything about the insurance. If she's out to lunch, out sick, out for the day, out on vacation, nobody else in the office knows jack shit about how to help you. You're just fucked until she comes back.

So, I try calling the state, at the phone number Kim gave me, and I get nobody there, either. I leave her a voice mail, but nobody calls me back.

Because of the level of stupid bullshit this insurance crap entails, I refuse to use Easy Pay for my prescription refills and such. Wal-Mart, when you sign up for online refill, gives you this dandy option. Between the way Wally World fucks up on a regular basis, and the way the insurance gets handled, I'd rather beat on my nuts with a ballpeen hammer than give them carte blanche to charge my debit card, but that's what they want to do. They give me a rather chipper statement that, "Putting your credit or debit card on file with Easy Pay allows you to pay what your insurance doesn't cover. Just pick it up and go!" Yeah, right. Considering how many times they've tried to charge me full price, or charge me the co-pay price, even though their own price was cheaper, they've got a better chance of seeing me pass a mango through my urethra.

Their online refill was useful for something else, though, because it allowed me to see that I've had numerous prescriptions and remaining refills lapse, because rather than using the older ones on file first, they've just been filling the most recent ones. I've had any number of prescriptions and refills lapse because of this. I don't know if they're just fucking stupid, incompetent, or both.

So, I drive 20 miles to Campbellsville to pick up my meds and check on some stuff for my woodstove. I stop at the store, where I purchased the stove, back in 2004. I go in and ask about replacement brick, which I'm sure is pretty standard, and about getting a replacement brick plug for my ash drawer. He has no idea what I'm talking about. Tells me he's never heard of CFM, which makes about 3 different kinds of wood stoves. I told him I bought the thing from them about 5 years ago. Still not ringing any bells. I finally find one similar in his book, and he tells me they don't carry anything for it, but he gives me an 800 number for a company that might.

I leave, irritated, and I go to Tractor Supply, because they sold the same stove. They have the stove brick, which is standard (imagine that), and they had a whole pallet of it. Now there's only 3 broken ones remaining. He tells me that they're at the end of the season for ordering heaters and such, and he doesn't know if they'll get another pallet in. I look at him like he's fucking stupid, because winter hasn't even started yet.

About this time, another rep walks out, he asks him about it, and the other guy says, "I hope they send some more, I just ordered a whole pallet of it." Teamwork. Fucking excellent. But, they can only get the metal plugs, or the square brick. The stove they carry is similar, but has no ash drawer, so they can't order the plug. He suggests I cut down a brick and make one. Awesome. I love customer service.

So, I go to Wal-Mart. :( <---Foreshadowing

I go to get my meds, and I'm immediately glad I didn't use their buttful of sunshine Easy Pay option, because they try to charge me $175 plus change, for something that's supposed to be around $50. They would have overdrafted my account, and because I have the $100 overdraft coverage, it would have cleared. Then they'd have tacked on a fee, and I would be around $100 in the hole, the day before I get my next check. I then spend the next 20 minutes waiting on them to try and process my insurance. She finally tells me it's expired, and she's going to have to call them to get an explanation.

So, I wait. And she tells me that my insurance is expired, because they never got a payment. I tell her that's bullshit, because I damn sure paid the state of Kentucky, they cashed my check, and somebody got fucking paid. She helpfully tells me to keep my receipt, and I can get reimbursed once it's straightened out. I tell her, no, give me the ones on your plan, keep the others, and I'll just have to fucking do without, but thanks anyway, because I love driving 40 miles round trip for nothing.

I go to the car, and it doesn't start. Repeatedly.

I'm just about ready to go randomly directed, batshit, raving fucking crazy at this point, and I crank the car one more time. It coughs and starts. Bully for me. No padded walls for the short term, anyway.

I head home, grab the phone, and I call my insurance company.

So, here's the story. They terminated my coverage as of October 31, because they couldn't process my payment. They got the payment. They got the full payment. They just don't know what to do with it. The state of Kentucky didn't tell them whether it was for November or December. Never mind I paid it in November, they deposited it in November, and I never sent them a payment for November. They've got a full payment, but my insurance is in full on limbo, until they can reach someone in the Kentucky State Treasury Dept., and get them to say whether it's a November or December payment, because everyone elses is for December. They didn't tell them what to do with mine.

She also says I can't be in ARRA and HCTC. I say that I'm fully aware of this, and I sent in my Bridge Grant form for the state in mid November, along with 20 percent of the full COBRA amount, not 20% of the 35%, and that was supposed to opt me out of ARRA. I ask her how much of a payment she got from Kentucky. She says they got the full COBRA payment. I then ask her what the fucking problem is, and she says that she can't reinstate my insurance until she knows whether to post it for November or December. Never mind that there wouldn't even be a goddamn December payment due, if November wasn't paid, because my insurance would be terminated in October. OH WAIT! IT FUCKING WAS!

So, now, I'm waiting on her to get in touch with the state. They've already tried calling them multiple times, since she got the payment, because she didn't know how to process it. She escalated it to her supervisor, and they called again today. The lady they need to talk to isn't in the office, so I guess we both get to try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I've got a payment I made that's hanging out in purgatory, I'm out the cash, and until this is resolved, I have no medical coverage.

If they decide to have her post it for December, even though I paid it in November, then I have to send them a payment to the old address, for the 35%, to make up the back payment for November, which I shouldn't have to make in the first damn place. I can't send another payment in for December, because I don't know if December is going to be covered or not, and if it is, and I send in the payment, it'll be too little to cover the back due amount for November, at the 35% rate. I don't know who to pay, how much to pay or when it's due, and it's all supposed to change in January anyway.

I'm about ready to pull my fucking hair out. I think they do this shit on purpose, just so people give up, say who gives a shit, and they wind up screwed or broke, because nobody gives a rat's ass.